Showing posts with label Drinks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drinks. Show all posts

March 20, 2018

Citrus Ginger Tea

I feel like this looks like one of those cheap
"disguise glasses" you'd get at joke shops.
People like tea. I mean, empires have clashed and wars have been waged over it. I don't see it myself. I mean, tea is pretty good, I'm just not prepared to die for it. Then again, I've never been a colonial American or a 17th century Portuguese sailor. Both of those things sound kind of horrible, so maybe tea was all they really had going for them. Fortunately, these days we all have pretty easy access to tea, and hardly anybody has to die at all. Which is one of the many reasons I never even contemplated the idea of making it myself until a demon plague which knows no end infested my body and caused me to start coughing with disconcerting frequency and never ever stop unless I can find someone else to transfer the curse to. The point is, with the level of tea consumption I've got going on, mitigating costs and maximizing flavor becomes more of a concern. The fact that it forces ginger, citrus, and other important internet health fads into my system is just a...bonus I guess?

Ingredients:

1 Orange
1 Lemon
1 Ginger (Ginger grows in weird misshapen clumps that easily break off into smaller clumps. People at grocery stores often take advantage of this. Just get a clump that's roughly the size of a travel shampoo bottle)
1 Star Anise Pod
Water
Honey

The first thing you may have noticed about this tea is that it lacks some of the main ingredients people associate with tea, such as tea. Personally, I don't actually consume caffeine because I'm what medical professionals refer to as "crazypants," so this doesn't have any tea leaves in it. But if you want to add some jolt to it, green tea should go pretty well with these flavors. So the first thing you're going to do is cut the peels off of your orange and lemon in large strips. Next, cut your ginger in slices, about a 1/4 of an inch thick. Now, if you want tea once, this is the vast majority of the work you need to do. If you want reasonably shelf-stable tea for the foreseeable future, there are a couple of extra steps. If you want to dry your citrus and ginger for later, throw them on a sheet pan and put them in a 200 degree oven for about an hour and a half. Feel free to double or triple the amount so that you've got more dried goodness in the end. Chop them up, throw them in a sealable jar, and break out your mix every time that your throat starts to feel a little rough, or you start coughing. So every couple minutes if you're me, assuming I haven't sacrificed a fatted calf on a hilltop to get rid of this curse yet.
No one has ever been able to adequately explain to me why
honey comes out of a plastic bear. But as you can see, I'm
having none of that nonsense.

Regardless of whether you're using your ginger and citrus fresh or dried, when it's time for you to make your tea you've got the option of wrapping everything in cheesecloth so that it stays together and is easy to take out, or just tossing it all in there and straining it out later. If you're using the dried stuff then toss in about a tablespoon of it. If you're using the fresh stuff, about 3 slices of ginger, and the peel from half of an orange and lemon. Either way you're adding in your anise, and tossing it into a pot with 2.5 cups of water in it. Bring that all to a boil, then cover it and reduce the heat down to low. Let it cook for about 5 minutes, then turn the heat off and let it steep for another 5. Now all that's left is for you to pour that nonsense in to a cup, add in honey and juice from your naked lemon to your liking, consume, and tax the crap out of it until somebody revolts.

December 26, 2017

Eggnog Milkshake

Desolate winter snowscapes: the cause of adding booze to
things for roughly 1000 years.
Eggnog, it's commonly believed, was derived from a British drink popular in the middle ages called Posset. It is a classic British recipe consisting of taking stuff that doesn't have alcohol in it, and throwing some alcohol in it because it was Britain and the middle ages, and life wasn't especially worth living unless you were drunk enough to forget those things. Some people have theorized that alcohol was added in to preserve the drink and prevent people from getting sick. This is technically possible, but seems to be crediting a fair amount of scientific and medical knowledge to a group of people who literally used to bore holes in to each other's skulls to try and cure migraines. A more likely scenario is that alcohol was added to proto-eggnog in order to give people something to look forward to during the year so that they could better cope with the constant ridiculous insanity of their daily lives. It's used for pretty much the same purpose today. Adding ice cream and making it into a milkshake helps too.

Ingredients:

1 Cup Eggnog
1 Cup Vanilla Ice Cream (You want to get a decent vanilla ice cream here. The sort of vanilla that makes you think "delicious" instead of "boring.")
1/2 Cup Heavy Cream
1.5 TBSP Sugar
1/4 tsp Allspice
Cinnamon
Nutmeg
Whiskey!

So the first thing you're gonna need to do is find some eggnog. You can make it yourself, steal it, or buy it from a store. Homemade stuff will probably have a somewhat richer flavor and consistency, but we're mixing this with spices and ice cream, so it doesn't make that much of a difference. Though I've heard that eggnog won is twice as sweet as eggnog earned, so if you see any contests with an eggnog prize they might be worth entering. In any case, take your eggnog and toss in your allspice and cinnamon. If you want the best cinnamon flavor you can get, take some cinnamon sticks and throw them in a saucepan with your nog while heating it (Gently heating it. It's got dairy and eggs in it, neither of which you want curdling) for 20-30 minutes, and then let the mixture cool completely. If you have better things to do than spend upwards of an hour teasing out the the best flavor from your cinnamon, just add in half a teaspoon of ground cinnamon and call it a day. Sure, it won't taste quite as deliciously cinnamon-y, but again: we're mixing this with ice cream and whiskey. Take your spiced nog and throw it in your fridge while you whip up your cream. 

Alcohol, ice cream, and eggnog. That'll hold you over until
it's warm outside again.
Take your cream, sugar, and a small sprinkling of nutmeg, and whip that nonsense together until it forms a thick and delicious cream. This should take about 5 minutes, or roughly until your arm has wanted to fall of for a minute and a half. Now it's time to talk about whiskey. Traditionally (at least in the USA), bourbon is added to eggnog. Personally, I think that Irish Whiskey has a much better flavor for a drink like this, but feel free to experiment. There are no wrong answers with whiskey (there are so many wrong answers with whiskey. Evan Williams happens to be one.) As for how much of it to use, you can really add in as much or as little as you'd like. It's just about personal taste and your specific level of alcoholism and depression. Personally, I like it when the whiskey is one flavor that melds with the other flavors in the eggnog to make something new and awesome. That's about 2 TBSP of whiskey in this recipe. But if you drink eggnog more to forget the pains of all the times that Santa wronged you than to drink delicious drinks, feel free to up that to 2 liters, or whatever amount of whiskey soothes the violent raging storm in your soul. Then add your whipped cream on top and maybe some sprinkles because sprinkles are fun, especially when alcohol is involved, and maybe I've already had a few. Enjoy! 

December 19, 2017

Spiced Hot Chocolate

There's nothing like a pyramid for some good old-fashioned
religious ceremony, sacrifice, and chocolate
Chocolate is pretty ubiquitous. You pretty much can't go to any store without finding enough of the stuff to choke an oompa-loompa to death. This wasn't always the case. The Aztecs used to use cocoa beans as a currency, and would drink a bitter hot chocolate mixed with chiles, spices, and vanilla for religious events which, since they were Aztecs, meant weddings and human sacrifices. Fun times. Then the Spanish came "liberated" Mesoamerica from its owners and "civilized" the inhabitants by introducing modern inventions like steel and gunpowder, often at very rapid rates. They brought chocolate back with them to Spain where it slowly gained popularity despite tasting like hot garbage because nobody had thought to add milk or sugar to it yet. The Spanish did make some changes to the recipe though. They added whale vomit. Seriously, they totally did. Sure, the Aztecs had just lost an empire, but watching the Spanish choke that down had to have brought some smiles to their faces.

Ingredients:

2 cups Whole Milk
1.25 cups Heavy Cream
1/2 cup Sugar
6 oz. Dark Chocolate (I used chocolate chips, but bars or whatever are fine. Just break them up into small chunks before using them)
5 Cardamom Pods
2 Star Anise Pods
2 Cinnamon Sticks
1 Serrano Pepper
1/4 tsp Allspice
1/4 tsp Vanilla Extract
1/8 tsp Ground Ginger
Nutmeg
Salt

So this is kind of a blending of some modern hot chocolate sensibilities combined with some flavors reminiscent of the original, more human-sacrificy version. Spices and flavor galore, but also creaminess and some sweetness, and probably no whale vomit. So get started by slicing your serrano pepper in half and removing the seeds. Then throw it in a pot along with your milk and 1/4 cup of your cream. Add in your cardamom, anise, vanilla, cinnamon, half your allspice, and half of your sugar and crank that sucker up to medium. Now it's times to deal with the nutmeg. Nutmeg is one of those things that tastes awesome as long as you don't use enough of it for anybody to be able to tell that it's in there. Otherwise it just kind of tries to overpower everything else and ruins the whole party, kind of like you when you're drunk. So add a tiny little sprinkling of nutmeg to your milk. Just enough that you can see it floating there before you stir it together. Once your sugar is dissolved, turn the heat off and let that sucker sit for about 20 minutes or so. We in the "sitting around and doing nothing for 20 minutes" game call this "steeping." While you're steeping, feel free to start making your whipped cream. Take a bowl and toss in your remaining cream, sugar, and allspice, along with your ginger. Then take a whisk and stir it around until if forms whipped cream and your arm hurts bad enough that you wish you could just take it out on somebody by sacrificing them to the gods. Careful though. If you whip your cream too much it will turn in to butter, which totally sounds like a punishment from the gods for insufficient sacrifices to me. 

Sure, you don't have to put in so much whipped cream that
it starts to drip down the side. Joy isn't mandatory.
Once your whipped cream is made and you're good and steeped, turn your heat back up to medium and add your chocolate in to the milk and spice mixture along with an oompa-loompa sized pinch of salt. Stir that sucker pretty continuously until your chocolate melts and the whole thing looks and smells incredible. Turn off the heat and strain out the various peppers and pods from the liquid. Or don't bother with any straining, and just be careful when you drink it. Either way. Just don't blame me if a small liquorice-flavored starfish gets lodged in your esophagus. Anyhow, put your chocolatey goodness into a cup, top it off with your whipped cream, and enjoy! It's sweet, but not too sweet, and just kind of awesome in every way. You're welcome. This recipe should make two good sized cups of hot chocolate, which is perfect because it's totally a drink that you should share with a friend or loved one. And if you don't have a friend or loved one, now you have an extra cup of hot chocolate to drown your lonely lonely sorrows in. Happy Holidays!

December 12, 2017

Mulled Wine

Any work of fiction that has castles and horses
counts as medieval Europe. That's the law.
Well, it's official. There's snow on the ground in Chicago. I know that's not much of a shocker. It's kind of like saying that water is wet, or that a Oscar winning movie is disappointing, but it's still pretty momentous for me. I spent six years living in LA, where they think that snow is a myth believed only by credulous savages who haven't even done a juice cleanse this month. Seeing snowfall again has been calming, good for my soul, and cold. Like, really cold. Literally freezing. So now it's time to come up with ways to warm myself up and pretend like I'm somewhere else, anywhere else, where I don't have to shovel anything and my face doesn't hurt from being outside. Medieval Europe sounds about right. Nothing says "comfort and tranquility" like a drink popularized when people regularly died from getting run over by a horse.

Ingredients:

1 bottle Red Wine (I used a cabernet sauvignon that has a fair amount of sweetness in it, but follow your alcoholic heart and/or liver! If you're using something aggressively dry though, add in a tablespoon of honey to the rest of the ingredients)
12 Cloves
6 Cardamom Pods
4 Cinnamon Sticks
1/2 an Orange
Ginger

So mulled wine, as far as I can tell, was developed by the Romans back when they were conquering all the parts of the world that they were aware of. They liked wine, and brought it with them to the north because what sober person is going to go to war in the snow while wearing sandals? It seems like every European country has their own fiercely exclusive version of mulled wine, most of which are almost exactly the same. This is an amalgamation of what seemed best from all of those versions. So the first thing to do is open your bottle of wine and carelessly dump it in a pot. Then peel some ginger and slice off 2 1/2 inch thick wedges. If you like things more or less gingery I won't stop you from messing with this amount, just remember that this is about a balance of flavors, and that you've ruined it all and made an inferior version for yourself. Next slice the peel off of your orange half. Try to get as little of the white pith in with your peel as possible, because it (the pith) is bitter, and who needs that in their life? Toss your peel into the wine along with your ginger. Now for the rest of your ingredients you've got some options. You can just throw them in, but then you'll have to deal with the annoyance of straining them out later. Another way to go is to toss them in a spice bag or some cheesecloth, tie it off, and then just toss the resulting spice sack in your wine. Either way, crank your heat all the way up to a gentleman's...low.

Seriously, if I didn't have work I'd just sit home and sip
this all day. I considered calling in sick.
So here's the thing about alcohol. It evaporates pretty easily, which is exactly what it's going to do if you heat up your mulled wine too much. But you need the heat to extract flavor our of your spices and whatnot. It's a fine balancing act that's kind of a pain for a couple minutes, but totally worth it in the end. Let your wine stew for about 20 minutes, being careful not to let it boil. If you've got to take it off of the fire for a couple minutes here and there to achieve that, then so be it. Sure, you probably have other things you could be doing, but let's be honest: you weren't going to use that time productively anyway, and it's totally worth 20 minutes of your time to make a warm, delicious, alcoholic drink that kind of effervesces on your tongue with a crazy and awesome balance of spices. After that it's pretty simple. Pour it in to a cup, with optional garnishes like a cinnamon stick or a twist of orange peel, and then sip it slowly while brooding in your castle and contemplating the state of your fiefdom. Enjoy, and tune in next week when we continue Drinkcember with even more beverage goodness!



October 18, 2017

Mint Julep

This bridge connecting with Indiana is one of Louisville's top
attractions. That's right, their "attraction" is a way to leave
You know how it is. It's some time around midnight and you're driving around with a friend trying to figure out what to do between the hours when normal people go to sleep, and when you go to sleep. And eventually, after some hemming and hawing, you settle on the obvious choice. You drive to Kentucky. At least that's what happened to me earlier this week. In my defense, I wanted to do it and you're not the boss of me. I learned some valuable things along the way. One is that Indiana is boring and goes on forever. Seriously...think about it. One of their main attractions is that you can go hang out with the Amish. I have nothing against the Amish, but if they're your main tourist attraction then you've obviously collectively given up as a State. The main point of all of this is that two days ago I was in Kentucky, the current home of bourbon, horse racing, and apparently not much else. But who says I need anything else? Also, I didn't see any horse races.

Ingredients:

Approximately 10 Mint leaves (Spearmint is traditional, but that's mostly just because it's pretty common in the south. Use whatever mint makes you happy.)
Bourbon
Superfine Sugar (You want the sugar to dissolve as much as possible in the bourbon. Some people use simply syrup or powdered sugar, but you can't really muddle your mint with those. Which is a problem for me. And now for you.)
Ice

The first thing you're going to do is get a weirdly specific history lesson. Because the Mint Julep has a couple weird little traditions around it, most of which I'm ignoring because I don't own silver cups. Oh, one of those traditions is that they're served in silver cups. Or sometimes pewter cups. I also don't have pewter cups. Essentially, a Julep was a kind of medicinal drink back in the day when doctors were like 5 times as fun, but only 1/2 as effective as they are now. It was said to be "restorative," which is late-19th-century-speak for "fun," and people would often start their day with one. It can technically be made with any liquor, but since it became the official drink of the Kentucky Derby, bourbon has been the most common base. Why is it the official drink of the Kentucky Derby? Well, Kentucky is crazy hot and humid in the summer, and drinking some icy mint-based drinks had to help with that. And after drinking enough bourbon, maybe it wasn't as boring to watch horses run in a circle. 

Of course the glass isn't full. I had to taste it.
For....quality assurance. Yeah, that holds up.
Anyway, step one is to toss your mint and sugar in the bottom of a cup and muddle them a bit. Muddling, for those of you who don't have mounds of useless knowledge stacked up in your brain next to a carton of commercial jingles from the 90s, is essentially pressing firmly down on fresh ingredients in a glass so that the flavors get released and can seep into the drink better. The sugar will help with this. The tiny sugar crystals will tear into the mint just slightly. Then pack your glass full of crushed ice if you can get it, or regular ice if, like me, crushed ice only happens to you at fancy cocktail parties and dinners that you're only able to attend because you won a raffle (That actually happened to me). Anyhow, add in your bourbon until it's about 3/4 of the way full and stir to combine. Top the rest of it off with ice, and enjoy living the life of a southern gentleman. Except you can't afford things like horses. Maybe you can afford glue. Go drink your bourbon and do some arts and crafts.


June 14, 2017

Cherry Jager Milkshakes

Yes, I've used this picture before. And no, I don't care.
It's that magical time of year again. That time of year when the birds sing, the flowers bloom, and the sun does its best to kill us all with its terrible terrible heat. At least, that's the way it seems in Chicago right now, where the heat has gotten so bad that the Cubs have been forced to just try and let their opposition wear themselves down, Rocky Balboa style, until the opportune moment to strike. That moment is apparently some time after the game is finished, but I'm sure it'll come eventually. The point is, the sun has it out for us. Again. Because, despite my repeated warnings about it, our federal government has done almost nothing about that dumb ball of gas that sits around in middle of our solar system, without paying any taxes, and expects us to just deal with it pelting us with radiation. So since our elected officials obviously can't be trusted not to kowtow to the powerful "sun lobby," it's up to me to find a way to keep us cool until we can get our sweet sweet vengeance.

Ingredients:

1 Pint of Cherry Ice Cream 
2 TBSP Jagermeister
1 Cup Chocolate Milk

You may have noticed that there's not much to this recipe in the way of ingredients. Is that because like the famed inventor of the clock radio, William Taddly Clocksworth (prove me wrong), I'm a genius who took basic ingredients that were lying around everywhere, and combined them into something glorious that had never before been conceived of? Yes. Yes it is. Anyhow, step one is to take your ice cream out of the freezer, and let it get just a little bit melty. If, like me, you're living in an apartment that doesn't have any air conditioning, this should take about 12 seconds. Once this is done, add in your Jager, and stir that whole thing up to distribute it throughout the ice cream, and  throw it back in your freezer. This is one of the hardest parts. When you feel that blast of cold coming out of the freezer, resist the urge to just set up a tent and live there for the Summer. I know it's hard, but if you persevere you'll be rewarded with cold boozy deliciousness. You know, the American dream.
Semi-stolen Slurpee straws just seem somehow appropriate
for a boozy milkshake. 

The freezer's gonna make your ice cream super cold again. You know, like freezer's do. The alcohol in the Jagermeister is gonna help keep your ice cream from freezing solid, even though it's just as cold as it was when it was frozen. This is because of a fascinating process called "science." Take your boozy ice-cream sludge out of the freezer, and mix it with your chocolate milk. Sure, you can add toppings like whipped cream, sprinkles, and hope if you like. Who am I to stop you? But even without any of those things, this sucker is delicious. And, like with all delicious things, I'm left wondering why you're still here instead of consuming it at this exact very moment. Like, right now. Go.

November 1, 2016

Peppermint Scnogg

Dramatization
Some of you may have noticed that I didn't post anything last week. This may or may not have to do with the Cubs being in the World Series for the first time in generations. All we know for sure is that during the unscheduled break, Halloween happened. Which means that, legally speaking, it's now the Christmas Season. You can tell from how I was totally able to go buy Eggnog at the supermarket. That's one of the main characteristics of the Christmas Season. The others are trees smothered in pounds of tinsel, popcorn strung up and hung as a warning to the others, and people in weird hats asking you for money. And what better way to celebrate a new season (or month, or day) than with booze?

Ingredients:

3 Parts Eggnog
1 Part Peppermint Schnapps (Sure, you could totally buy this from the store like some sort of fancyman who likes spending more money on less quality. Or you could be a man and make it yourself)
Mini Chocolate Chips

The first thing you're gonna need to do is find or steal some holiday cheer. Because it's barely even November, and we're gonna be stuck with obnoxious music and displays in our stores for a long time. Once you're done storing up cheer for the barren winter months, go get some eggnog. I'm experimenting with some eggnog recipes, and may end up posting one in a week or two, but for now anything you find in the store is fine. Within reason. Don't get some weird unmarked carton that has "nog" scrawled on it in crayon. Also don't get some weirdly flavored, artisan, vegan, cruelty-free, fair-trade, bespoke "egg"nog that costs 12 dollars per ounce. Just regular eggnog, like a normal person would.

Santa hat I wore through Ireland added for nostalgia purposes
Take your aggressively neutral nog and mix it with peppermint schnapps. The amounts don't really matter. It all depends on how many people you're serving, or on how sad and alone you are. The important thing is the proportions. For every 1 part of schnapps, add in 3 parts of eggnog. Mix it together and pour it into some glasses. Top it with mini chocolate chips to make it look all pretty and delicious. Because we're full of holiday cheer, and so we're gonna be festive and decorative, you hear? Or else I'm gonna turn this car around and nobody gets to go to Santa's village. It's gonna be a long couple months.


August 2, 2016

Jalapeño-Citrus Bomb

Just like a jalapeño, resting on the backs of the working limes 
So I've been sick. Not any of the gross kinds of sick that you don't want to talk about around members of the opposite sex, but definitely the kind that makes you a little crazy, weak, and in need of hydration. Hydration and vast amounts of vitamin C. Because, as everybody knows, even though there's no evidence that vitamin C helps shorten or prevent illness (and the person who tried to convince us of it in the first place was a mad scientist who was trying to become immortal), at least it's doing something. And that makes us feels productive, which is important according to 3 out of 4 of the therapists I'm seeing. Especially when you're sick and quickly sinking into a vast pit of delirium.

Ingredients:

1/2 a Jalapeño 
1/4 cup Orange Juice
1 Lime
2/3 cup Ginger Ale
1.5 tsp Sugar
Ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is...well, get up. Which isn't easy when you're feverish, delirious, and have already expended most of your energy wishing that you were either healthy, asleep, or dead. Next you're gonna chop up your jalapeño, with the stems and seeds removed. Because they're the spiciest part. And also because it's super weird to drink something filled with seeds, no matter what hipsters tell you (WARNING: link contains hipster nonsense). Throw your jalapeño bits in the bottom of a glass along with your sugar and crush it all together in a process called "muddling," which I've discussed "before," in other "drink recipes." Success is key here. There's always the chance that you might succumb to your weakened state and fail at even this simple task, signaling to your enemies that now is the perfect time to strike.
Possible side effects may include the return of a will to live

Assuming you made it this far and got your jalapeño nice and muddly, add in the orange juice along with the juice from your lime, and stir all of that nonsense together. Then top it off with your ginger ale. Take a separate glass, and fill it up with ice. Then pour your concoction over the ice and you're done! Now just sit back and relax, sipping your delicious drink, as your decaying body betrays you and those you love! At least the citrus will let you lie to yourself that you're proactively treating your illness, and the spiciness will help free your sinuses from their demons in a cleansing holy fire. Also, if you're one of those jerks who isn't currently sick (read: everyone who isn't me) you can also make this and enjoy it. Or, you can add tequila to it, and enjoy it even more.

May 31, 2016

4 Shots of the Fruit-Pocalypse

Artist's rendition: Me this morning
So yesterday I was at a wedding. It was pretty awesome. Happy people dancing, band playing music, awesome food, the whole deal. Also, there was a bunch of booze floating around. I was talking to a friend about my plans for this week's entry, which was gonna be an alcoholic drink involving chocolate, cream, sugar, bailey's, pure joy, and milkshakes. Sounds awesome, I know, but she was lamenting the fact that she wouldn't be able to try it until she was off of her wedding-diet. Which got me curious. That's always a bad thing. Curiosity and weddings mix badly. But I got inspired by the fruity nonsense drinks flying around the place to try and make a delicious simple drink that, while isn't exactly diet-friendly, is much more so than 1,000 pounds of cream, sugar, and chocolate all vying to make your face explode with happiness. Happiness, and also the daily caloric intake of Guatemala.

Ingredients:

2 shots of Peach Schnapps (Technically, a shot is 1.5 ounces. So this would be 3 ounces. Or you could have just taken a shot glass and filled it up twice, instead of making everything difficult)
1 shot Triple Sec
1 shot Vodka
1 20 oz. bottle of Ginger Ale
Limes! 
Ice!
Maraschino Cherries!
Warning: do not consume without first making a toast, laying
on a beach, or screaming out the roof of a limo.

This is a recipe that involves absolutely no cooking, and not much in the way of assembly either. If you can't figure this one out, you may want to just call in sick for the rest of the decade rather than risk the daily puzzle that is tying your shoes. The first thing you're gonna want to do is take your peach schnapps, triple sec, vodka, and ginger ale, and mix them together. Then slice your lime in to...slices of lime. Lay a couple lime slices upright in a glass, and then fill said glass with ice. Ice is key for any cocktail. Even heathen peoples who like warm beer, and will be rightfully punished by the gods for their blasphemy, acknowledge that cocktails need ice. So find some way to get some ice, and plop it in your glass. As you fill up the glass with ice, throw in some cherries and more lime slices along the edge of the glass, because we're classy goddammit. Then fill up your glass with your booze mixture. And that's it! You've got delicious fruity nonsense that's not as terribly caloric as it might have otherwise been. You know, if I was left to my own devices. My chocolatey, delicious devices. Enjoy.

April 19, 2016

Hot Chocolate

Actual recipe may vary
It's getting close to the end of April, and if the crazy fluctuations in the weather everybody keeps freaking out about are any indication, it's spring. Also, the calendar says it's spring. Also, this is when spring has always been in the northern hemisphere of this planet for pretty much ever. So if you didn't know it, you must be stuck in some godforsaken place with no seasons like LA where there's currently a heatwave. Fortunately, with enough mint, alcohol, and mint alcohol, the delicious warm awesomeness that is hot chocolate can still somehow seem cool and refreshing. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Ingredients:

1 Cup Whole Milk
1.75 Cups Heavy Cream
2 TBSP Powdered Sugar
1/2 Cup Regular Sugar
1/2 Cup Dark Chocolate
1 tsp Peppermint Extract
Peppermint Schnapps
An average sized human's pinch of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is make some whipped cream. Notice, I said "make" some whipped cream, not "buy" some whipped cream. For the nonsense hipsters among you, this is totally because store-bought whipped cream is full of artificial toxins that poison our bodies with their lack of a 300% mark-up and frivolous use of words like "organic." For the sane among you, it's because homemade whipped cream is so much better. And it lets you add flavorings. So take 3/4 of a cup of your heavy cream, along with your powdered sugar and your peppermint extract, shove them in a bowl together, and whisk the absolute crap out of them. For a short period of time. Whisk until your arm has been wanting to fall off for about 5 minutes, but your jerkstore skin and muscle tissue won't let it. Technically, what you're looking for with this stuff is called "stiff peaks," but what that means in human terms is pretty much, keep going until it looks like whipped cream. Once it does, stop, otherwise you'll end up with a grainy useless mess, and a life full of regret and shame.

Yeah, I'm way too distracted by that awesomeness to write
something pithy here. Sue me.
Add your milk, regular sugar, salt, and the rest of your cream to a saucepan, and crank the heat up to a gentleman's medium. Heat up your milk mixture to the point where it's just starting to steam a little bit, but isn't boiling, and stir in your chocolate until it's melted. Yes, your arm wants to fall off from all of your whisking back with your cream. You're still gonna stir in this chocolate. How? Here's a helpful guide. Once your chocolate is melted, turn off your heat. Yes, this stuff tastes incredible as is. But it's even better once it's all assembled, so control yourself. Pour some peppermint schnapps into the bottom of a glass (How much schnapps? As much as you want. There are no wrong answers. Adjust it to your taste. And remember, alcohol doesn't count if it's in a warm drink.), add in your chocolate milk making sure to leave about an inch of space in your cup, and then top the entire thing off with your whipped cream. In case you can still hear me over the sound of yourself actively salivating, you're welcome.


February 16, 2016

Blueberry Ginger Shot

The blueberries know this is a bad idea, but they're excited
to be a part of it. Never trust a berry named after a color.
So, I've been sick. What else is new? It seems like for the past month or so I've been getting sick a lot. But this time I got a fancy diagnosis, a couple prescriptions, and 2 shots, so I'm pretty sure any germs left in my body are trapped in germ POW camps, waiting for the antibody death squads to finish them off. But let's get back to those shots. Because, for the first time that I can recall, an alleged medical professional asked me to drop my pants and bend over. Technically she didn't ask in that order. Because initially she said the shot was going to be in my back, which turned out to be a lie. It was pretty weird, but whatever. People with 102 degree fevers don't tend to question medical direction. They spend their time on better things, like alternating between trying not to die, wishing they were dead, and pretty much turning into a drunk bear. Anyway, in honor of my unnecessarily large shot, I'm making an unnecessarily large shot. With blueberries. And ginger. In fact, forget the shot.

Ingredients:

1/4 Cup Blueberries
1 tsp Sugar
1/2 tsp Lemon Juice
1 oz. Rum
4 oz. Ginger Beer
Ice

Who says you can't make something awesome just because
you're sick? Blanket forts are awesome. Case closed.
Some might call it a bad idea to make an alcoholic drink while recovering from an illness and taking lots of antibiotics. But what is this? Communist Laos? America is all about not asking doctors questions we don't want the answers to, so let's make this drink. The first thing you're gonna need to do is chop up your Blueberries and throw them in a bowl along with your Sugar and Lemon Juice. The next thing you're gonna need to do is wait. Keep waiting. Has it been 15 minutes yet? No? Then keep waiting some more. Once your 15 minutes go by, use a spoon, fork, bag of rocks, or a couple swift uppercuts to smash the crap (pulp and juice) out of your Blueberries. Strain out the skins, and lay that pulpy nonsense down on top of some ice in an unnecessarily large cup for what's allegedly "a shot." Add in the rest of your ingredients. Stir lightly, and that's it! Or, if you thought ahead, you could have reserved a little bit of your Blueberry guts to sprinkle on top and make it all pretty at the end. And that's it again! Unless you want a garnish, because you're fancy, and can't handle life the way it really is, which is probably gonna lead to a harsh awakening some day, but today doesn't have to be that day. Then just toss some blueberries down in the sucker. And that's it. For real this time. Go...drink it. Do it now. I'm gonna go take a 15 hour nap. Seriously, that's it. Go home.

December 22, 2015

Hot whiskey

The name pretty much says it all. It's my last night in Ireland, and I'm enjoying my last truly Irish hot whiskey. Oh, you haven't heard of hot whiskey? Because it's insane. One awesome airbnb host introducing me to it, and one awesome Bushmills employee actually putting some in my hand, has legit changed my life. It's the absolute perfect drink if you're feeling a little under the weather, or if it's just cold out. Or if you just like delicious awesomeness. What's that? Alcohol is a depressant and isn't good for your immune system, so you think you can disprove it being good for feeling sick? Cram your word hole. Because this is Ireland, where magic, and rainbows, and pure joy come from. And I've personally experimented, and it works. Why are you still arguing? Didn't I already tell you to shut it (I did)?

Ingredients:

Irish whiskey
Water
Lemon
Cloves
Cinnamon
Honey

The first thing you're gonna need to do is go to Ireland. Because it's awesome. While you're there, stay in Ashford Castle. It's pricy, but insanely worth it. I'm seriously considering selling a limb so I can go back (unrelated question: how much do limbs go for on the black market these days?)
Seriously. I stayed in a castle. It has...battlements. It's legit. It's alsogot forests   and falconry and horses, and clay shooting, and pretty much everything a castle should have. So go there. Romp around the forest. Work up a chill. Then go indoors. And weep because life will never be this good again, and castle-less life isn't worth living. Now it's time to drink some magic!

The recipe I'm giving you is slightly more involved than the typical pub recipe. It's the recipe for the hot whiskey they gave me at Bushmills, which was the best one I had. Take a spice bag (a spice bag, apparently, is a bag you shove spices in to infuse the flavor into cooking liquids without the mess of straining spices. Or you could ignore the spice bag, and just chew your whole spices, like a man. A potentially toothless man.), and cram cinnamon and cloves all up in it. Dump it in some water, and boil it until it's good and dead. Then take a slice of lemon and a smidge of honey and throw them in the bottom of a glass. Add in some whiskey and some steaming-hot-spice-water. Twice as much water as you've got whiskey. Now stir lightly, and drink it down. You won't regret it. I guarantee it (not a guarantee). Then wander back into the Irish wilderness and tackle a new day of absolutely insane awesomeness. 

This isn't exactly the same. This is the hot whiskey from the airport hotel I'm spending my last night at. It's not quite as awesome as the stuff I got at Bushmills, but it's still fairly epic. Now I get to go to sleep so I can make my early morning flight and go back home to LA! (Seriously guys, how much can I get for say...an arm. I can probably sell a couple arms. Don't ask whose.)

October 20, 2015

Hot Toddy

A rare look at the hot-tubbing habits of common ingredients
It has come to my attention that not everybody knows what a Hot Toddy is, and apparently these belligerent dissidents aren't willing to do their own googling. So here's what a Hot Toddy is: Awesome. It's a warm drink, traditionally made with some combination of Whiskey, Hot Water, Honey, and Spices. It's typically consumed on a cold day or rainy day, at night before bed, or whenever you feel like it because this is America, dammit. Even if you're reading this from some other country, the inherent America-ness of my willingness to drink an awesome drink whenever is, even now, permeating your computer and infecting you. That's the awesome power of the awesome power of the internet

Ingredients:

1 Cup Standard Issue Water
2 tsp Honey
1 Slice of Lemon
1 Slice of Lemon Peel
3 Whole Cloves
2 Cinnamon Sticks
1 Shot of Whiskey (That's 1.5 ounces for those of you sad sad people who don't drink regularly enough to know the standard conversions for alcoholic measurements)
1 average-sized human's pinch of Nutmeg

Let's get one thing straight. The Hot Toddy has a couple different stories concerning its spelling and origin. I don't pretend to know which one is correct, but this one has a certain "truthiness" to me: There was an Irish doctor named Robert Bentley Todd who became famous for prescribing his patients a hot drink of Brandy, Cinnamon, Sugar-syrup, and Water. That's not in dispute. It really did happen. Whether that's the 100% indisputable origin of this drink and it's name, we may never know (it totally is). Now then, this recipe, like all of my favorite recipes, combines 2 important elements:

1)An awesome result that's not too hard to achieve
2)Giving drunk people the chance to accidentally hurt themselves with knives and fire. And if they're super drunk, with cinnamon sticks and cloves.

I'm pretty sure that just looking at this picture cured my
cold and got me over my last 3 breakups. 
The first thing you're gonna need to do is fill a small pot with your Water, Honey, Slice of Lemon (The actual lemon, not the extra slice of peel), Cloves, Nutmeg, and 1 Stick of Cinnamon. Bring it to a boil over medium heat, and let it cook together for about a minute. Turn the heat off, and let it sit uncovered for another 30 seconds or so to cool slightly. While your water is cooling, add the rest of your ingredients to a mug, or a teacup, or whatever it is you want to drink out of. Typically it's something with a handle because it's a hot drink, but if you've got the heart of a lion (gross), use whatever cup or bowl you'd like. Strain your water mixture by thrusting your hand into it, grasping the cinnamon, lemon, and cloves in your samurai fist, and removing them all within the blink of an eye. Or use a slotted spoon, like a communist. Either way, add the liquid in to your Whiskey-cup, and stir it with your second Cinnamon Stick. And enjoy! People say that these are a really awesome way to treat a cold. I don't know if there's medical science to back that up, but if you drink enough of them, you probably won't care about your cold anymore. You're welcome.


September 22, 2015

Grenadine

My clothes got stained just looking at this
It's the Jewish high-holiday season, and that means one thing. Kosher markets desperately trying to unload a crapload of surplus pomegranates. And also some nonsense about self-examination and changing for the year to come. But you can't put that in booze, so who cares?

Ingredients:

4 Cups Pomegranate Juice (That's gonna be about 16 Pomegranates. If you want, you can use the store-bought pre-juiced stuff, but just be cognizant of the fact that I will be judging you)
1 Cup Sugar
1 TBSP Lemon Juice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is get comfortable with staining your shirt, counter, walls, and loved ones. Because, pretty uniquely as far as fruits go, pomegranates are aware of the indignity you're about to put them through. And they're angry. Fortunately, drowning is their one weakness. Like pretty much every non-aquatic organism! So lightly slice through the thick outer skin of your pomegranate, just to kind of piss it off. Then submerge it in water, and tear it up. The seeds, which are technically called arils (pretentious people will only call them arils. Because they're the worst), will sink while the waxy white bits will float. Take your pretentious drowned arils, and put them in a blender, food processor, or other implement of destruction, and then strain it through cheesecloth. And there you have it! Pomegranate juice! Or you can buy it in juice form from pretty much any grocery store for the low low price of your dignity.

Make sure to wait so long to take your picture that the
Grenadine all settles at the bottom and you don't get pretty
patterns in your tequila sunrise. Bonus points for storing your
Grenadine in a leftover tequila bottle.
Once you have your juice all taken care of, throw it in a pot along with your Sugar and Lemon Juice. Throw it on some medium heat, and stir it occasionally until the sugar melts completely. Then turn the heat down to medium-low, and let it reduce. Which essentially means just let it sit over the heat and try not to get super nervous about whether it's burning or not. Also stir occasionally, partially to actually keep it from burning, but mostly just to ease the sad voices in your head. When it's reduced by half, meaning there's about 2 cups left in the pot, turn off the heat. It'll still be kinda liquidy. Calm down. It'll get thicker as it cools down. And that's all there is to homemade Grenadine, which incidentally tastes about 1000 times better than the corn syrup stuff they sell in stores. This stuff has a ton of uses. You can make mixed drinks like a Tequila Sunrise, or a Kamikaze. It probably has other uses too!


July 21, 2015

Pineapple Daiquiri

This week in self-discovery: I learned I'm a Pineapple Serial
Killer. I stalked them, cut off their heads, and hollowed them
out. I'm more than a little disturbed by this. Oh well. 
You know, I really thought we were done with this. I thought that the sun and I had decided that, while we weren't ever gonna be friends, at least we could work together. He'd keep his distance, and I'd stop ruining his favorite movies for him. But all of that is over. Not only is that jerk back in my face this week, he brought his dick friend humidity along to the party. Well, I'm done playing nice. (If Indiana Jones hadn't existed in Raiders of the Lost Ark, not only would the result still have been a room of nazis getting their faces melted, but one of those melted nazis would likely have been Hitler. Deal with it.) This recipe will keep you from feeling the effects of that gas-ball, possibly through refreshment. Possibly through a whole lot of alcohol consumption. I've heard it both ways. But the point is..well, I guess that was the point.

Ingredients:

1 standard-issue Pineapple
1/4 cup Pineapple Juice
1/4 cup Coconut Rum
1/4 cup White Rum
2 TBSP Triple Sec
The juice from 2 Limes
2 TBSP fresh Mint Leaves
1 tsp Sugar
Ice!
So much ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is re-evaluate your life choices. You could have gone on that Antarctic expedition and married that penguin like your mother wanted. But nooooo. You had to live around other people, in an above-freezing climate. And now you have to deal with the consequences. Once that sinks in and you finish weeping, take a grade-A thwacking knife, and decapitate your Pineapple. Then, using a combination of knives, spoons, and voodoo witchcraft, hollow out the inside of the pineapple, leaving about a 1/4 inch of fruit around the skin to act as a barrier. Or don't. But don't come crying to me when you're drinking out of a dumb boring glass instead of a badass pineapple corpse. 

A huge thanks to Sarah from Ralph's on Pico for randomly
giving me festive umbrellas to stick in my Pineapple.
Take your removed Pineapple, and separate the tasty tasty fruit from the gross and hard core (The process looks something like this). Take the fruit, and muddle the hell out of it along with your Sugar and Mint. Don't remember what muddling is? Google it. Or read what I said the last time I talked about it. Then find a container that has a lid. Maybe a mason jar, or an old milk jug that you cleaned out for totally not-creepy purposes. Fill said lidded receptacle with ice. Like, entirely. Then add in the rest of your ingredients. Clamp the lid down on your container and shake the living hell out of it. Pour your muddled mixture into the nearest handy hollowed out pineapple corpse, add your booze/juice mixture right on top of it, and enjoy! For those of you wondering why this Daiquiri recipe isn't an alcoholic slushy, it's because that's not what a Daiquiri is. That's right, Dave and Buster's lied to you.

June 23, 2015

Sparkling Mint Lemonade

Only one lemon can be the chief. He gets the funny hat.
It's that time of year again. Summer is here! Which means that it's time for the traditional summer activities of sticking to our furniture, wondering how the hell it can be so HOT, and reminiscing fondly about the cold that we were so incredibly sick of a month ago. But don't melt into a gross puddle yet, because there is a solution. Well, there are a lot of solutions. Blasting the AC or moving to Antarctica come to mind. But the former is bad for the environment and also super expensive, and the latter means you have to deal with uppity penguins. So that leaves us with making something ridiculously refreshing to guzzle down as fast as we can until we forget that we're pretty much living in Mad Max times.

Ingredients:

4 largish Lemons
2 cups Sugar
1/2 cup fresh Mint 
An unspecified amount of Water
An equally unspecified amount of Seltzer Water

The first thing you're gonna need to do is peel 3 of your lemons. Normally this is the part where I'd make some crack about the various utensils you could use, and sum it up by adding that you could just man up and use your hands. And believe me, I've got the urge to do just that. But you're looking to get the actual peel (The yellow, fragrant, awesome part) off of the lemons, without picking up any of the pith (The white, bitter, gross part). And the best way I've found to do this is with a standard vegetable peeler. Take your lemon peel, along with your Sugar, 2 cups of Water, and the shards of your masculinity, and put them in a pot over medium heat. Stir occasionally, until the sugar dissolves, then turn the heat off and let it steep for about 30 minutes (If you've been paying attention over the last forever, you might recognize this as a flavored Simple Syrup, kind of like we made for our Holiday Spiced Schnapps. Congratulations on your alacrity! It earned you some nice knowledge, exchangeable for prizes at the gift shop).

Once your lemony syrup is nice and cooled, you're gonna add about 1.5 cups of it into a large pitcher. You can add more or less depending on how sweet you like things. At 1.5 cups, you'll end up with a result that's a little sweet, but mostly just crisp and refreshing. Adjust according to your preferences. I'm sure it won't end up being worse than what I painstakingly prepared for you. Regardless of the crushing weight of your hubris, it's time to add in your Mint, and muddle the heck out of it. For those unfamiliar, muddling is essentially taking a big stick and squishing the mint until it bruises, but doesn't tear into little bits (Yes, technically the word can describe any type of stirring, but this is how it's commonly used in regards to making drinks. So I don't wanna hear it.) Once your mint is bruised and probably frightened, add in the juice from all 4 of your lemons, and 1 liter of water. Stir this mixture to combine, and then plant it in your fridge for at least an hour. Why? So that all the flavors can get to know each other, and your drink will taste awesome instead of just good. Because drinks that are just good don't make you forget that the sun is trying to melt your face.
Completely non alcoholic! Which is why I left some room
at the the top of the glass!

When you're serving, take some cups and fill them with ice. If you want to be all fancy and awesome like me, take some slices of lemon, and shove them all down in those icy cups. Then get your pitcher of sweet lemony goodness, and pour it about 3/4 of the way up each of those cups. Finally, top them off with your Seltzer Water. Bonus points if you add a sprig of mint all up on top of your drinks to make them look even better. Of course, all of this is academic because it's burning hot outside, and by now you've probably given up on the concept of individual cups, poured some Seltzer directly into the pitcher, and started chugging. I hope you're proud of yourself.

March 17, 2015

Irish Ice Floe

Yes, technically speaking that's gelato. But this whole thing
is about being fake Irish anyhow. Also, shut up.
It's that time of year again! When everybody lets loose, has fun, and pretends they're a little bit Irish! But just a little bit. Because otherwise we might actually have to deal some of the annoying parts that come from being a member of any large group of humans. People tend to drink to excess this time of year, and while I'm not going to tell you to do otherwise, I am going to warn you not to use the mass consumption of alcohol as an excuse to consume alcohol that isn't awesome. Because that would be sad. And sadness via alcohol has nothing to do with being fake Irish! Well, maybe a little.

Ingredients:

1 Pint Vanilla Ice Cream
3 TBSP Chopped Mint Leaves
3 TBSP Baileys Irish Cream
An unspecified amount of Guinness 

This recipe is perfect for St. Patricks day, for a number of reasons. Mainly because there's no actual cooking involved, which means the odds of you drunkenly setting yourself on fire are slightly reduced. And even if you do manage to go all human torch, it probably won't be the result of this recipe, so it's not my problem. Now what were we talking about? Oh yeah! Ice Cream, apparently. The first step to this recipe is to take your Ice Cream out of the freezer and eat a couple of scoops, because feelings. Then leave the Ice Cream out and let it get a little bit melty. Not so bad that it's 100% liquid, but loose enough that you can stir things in. 

Take your Mint Leaves, thoroughly wash them to remove unwanted dirt and protein, and chop them into itty bitty pieces. The general rule is to chop them forever until the world is a lifeless husk, which means there's nobody left to judge you on the size of the mint bits in your frosty alcoholic treat. Once your leaves are minced and civilization has collapsed, add them, along with your Bailey's into your melty Ice Cream and stir it all up. Which gives us an excuse for having earlier eaten the Ice Cream from the container like a 90's sitcom character. 

Pro-tip: take forever to get your picture set up, so that your
ice cream goes all melty. Still tastes good though.
Put your ice cream mixture back in the freezer, and wait for it to set back to it's original glory. Then break out your favorite beer mug, pour in as much Guinness as your heart contents, clean up the floor from having tried to pour all of the beer you have into one mug, and add your Ice Cream on top! It's delicious, and a good way to prevent house fires that could be blamed on me!

February 10, 2015

Holiday-Spiced Schnapps

I only buy vodka named after countries from "Risk"
Have you ever wanted to get punched in the face by alcohol and Christmas at the same time? What am I saying? Of course you have. But they don't run that mall-santa-fight-club all year round, so what are you supposed to do during all of the months that don't end in "cember?" Especially when the craving is fresh, during months that end in "ary?" The answer, of course, is to make some somewhat homemade Holiday-Spiced Schnapps! Why "somewhat homemade?" Because we're not making our own grain liquor out of a homemade still...yet (#SlipperySlopeToStartingAMethLab).

Ingredients:

2 Cups Sugar
1.5 Cups Water
4 Sticks Cinnamon
18 Whole Cloves
1/2 tsp Ground Ginger
An unspecified amount of Vodka (Somewhere close to 1 bottle)
1 average-human-sized pinch Salt
1 empty Bottle (It didn't have to be empty when you started making the recipe, but it definitely needs to be empty by the end. So...get on that)


For those familiar with my Peppermint Schnapps recipe, this should be pretty familiar. The basic ingredients for our boozy goodness are Simple Syrup (made by melting sugar into water), and vodka. It's not exactly rocket science. Let me immediately take that back. I've met a couple rocket scientists, and mixing vodka with Simple Syrup is a big part of how I imagine they spend their days. But it's still not complicated. The key difference here is that our Simple Syrup is gonna be infused with all kinds of spiced goodness.

The first step is to make your infused syrup. I make it slightly differently than the regular kind, but it's still not too bad. Take your Sugar, Water, Cinnamon, Cloves, and Ginger, and add them all to a saucepan. Crank that heat all the way up to a manly-medium (which is also the name of my idea for a TV show about a former male model who talks to ghosts to solve crimes on the Louisiana bayou), and stir your mixture regularly while bringing it to a boil. Once you've got that boil going, throw in your pinch 'o Salt, slap a lid on that sucker, turn the heat off, and let it cool thoroughly. I know, you're a raging alcoholic, and you want your booze NOW. But your patience will be rewarded. The Cinnamon and Clove flavor will get much more intense. And also, you won't evaporate all of the alcohol out of your vodka by mixing it with a hot liquid. Because, physics. And also chemistry.

Kickass bottle not included. Go find your own.
Once your syrup mixture is cool, strain it. I know it seems like a pain. Do it anyway. Otherwise you're going to get cloves in your face every time you try and take a drink. Once it's good and strained, start adding in the vodka according to your level of preference and/or wussiness. Once you've got your balance where you want it, bottle up your mixture of awesomeness. You can bottle it using the tried and true "trying to pour carefully, and doing pretty well until you make that one mistake, and everything devolves from there and you end up covered in alcohol and shame" method. Or you can invest in a $3 plastic funnel and make your life simpler. It's up to you. In any event, once your booze is bottled, cool it for no less than 10 hours (careful though. If you're an alcohol wuss you may not have enough actual booze in there to keep if from freezing. In which case, the fridge is your friend). Then open it up and consume it until you've got that holiday cheer again.

November 21, 2014

Peppermint Schnapps

If a friend ever tells you these things go
together, punch them in the throat.
A couple of years ago, a friend suggested that I crush a whole bunch of candy canes with my mortar and pestle, and dissolve them in vodka. I, on occasion, am a fool, and so I agreed. After countless hours of playing a weirdly literal version of Candy Crush, I was rewarded with a drink that was pink, strong, and kind of toothpasty. I was also rewarded with a numb feeling in my arm. And with some possibly permanent globs of crushed candy embedded in my mortar and pestle, in my counter, and in my hair. But still, it gave me a starting point from which to form something awesome. Something sweet. Something that could cause friends to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic.

Ingredients:

2 cups Sugar
1.5 cups Water
2 tsp Peppermint Extract
Most of 1 bottle Vodka (cheap stuff)

Optional extras to make life less crappy:

1 empty bottle
1 Funnel
Love, Food, and Shelter 

The first step to this recipe is to make a "simple syrup." Chances are, if you look at any recipe for any cocktail that's more involved than booze and juice (or Coke. Or whatever. Shut up.) it's got simple syrup in it. And, despite the fact that it's got simple in the name, which says to my brain that it'll be super annoying to make, it's not hard. Just take your water, boil it, add in your sugar, turn the fire off, and stir until it's all dissolved. If you've got particularly fire-resistant sugar, stir it over low heat until it finally gives in and dissolves away. And that's it! Simple syrup! Which is pretty much the only part of this recipe that a hypothetical trained monkey named Drunky Kong wouldn't be able to do. I'm betting he'd have trouble with the burners.


See, vodka is clear. So I added a candy cane to
give you some visual stimulation. But vodka
is corrosive. So the candy cane is...bleeding? 
Now, unless you like your alcohol to have no alcohol in it, like a communist, you're gonna want to let your simple syrup cool completely before doing anything else with it. Because alcohol evaporates at a low temperature and yadda yadda gypsy curses, and just do it. Once it's cool, have your trained monkey combine the rest of the ingredients. Add in the vodka slowly, and taste it until it's to your liking. Stir it all together, bottle it if you swing that way, and then keep it in the freezer for at least 12 hours. Though beware: if you used very little vodka, this stuff WILL actually freeze. So if you're kind of an alcohol wuss (by which I mean, a complete alcohol wuss), keep it in the fridge. 

Now just sit back and wait for a suitable occasion, such as a holiday, a birthday, or a Monday. Then crack open your homemade schnapps, and listen to your friends rave about how good it is while at the same time silently judging you with their eyes!