Whiskey Fudge!

If life and the Simpsons have taught me anything, it's that
Yale's motto really should be Semper Fudge

So I'm going to be straight with you all. I've been known to enjoy some whiskey on occasion. And yes, that may have been a contributing factor to my decision that it would be an excellent addition to fudge, but that doesn't change the fact that I was totally right. It gives it a subtle complexity that tastes awesome, and helps keep the fudge from being too sweet. Too sweet sounds like a good thing for fudge, but if you make it a little less sweet then, aside from tasting better, you can totally justify eating significantly more of it at one time, which means you'll feel slightly less bad about yourself when you snork down half of this recipe before lunch. And sure, if you have a super low alcohol tolerance it's entirely possible that this recipe will allow you to literally get drunk on fudge (Drunk On Fudge is definitely going to be the title of my memoir), but that's a risk that I'm willing to take.

Ingredients:

14 oz. can of Sweetened Condensed Milk
12 oz. Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
5 oz. Bittersweet Chocolate Chips
1.5 tsp Whiskey (I used Irish Whiskey, which worked really well. Technically, you can use whatever whiskey you want, but if you use garbage whiskey you may end up with garbage fudge.)
1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract

You may have noticed that there's not a whole lot going on in terms of ingredients. You're welcome. The entire point of fudge is to be easy and delicious. And sure, you can add fancy things like caramel sauces or toasted nuts on top if you like, but they're like ketchup on a really good hot dog, or like your appendix. If you like it then sure, go and have fun with it, but it's ultimately not really necessary. And before all of you ketchup lovers and appendix lovers start sending me your angrily worded handwritten emails, let me just remind you that - and I mean this sincerely - I don't care. Anyhow, open up your can of sweetened condensed milk, and let it gloop out of the can into a pot. After about 3 minutes of waiting for it to stop taking its sweet time, try futilely to speed up the process using spoons, spatulas, and other various implements of destruction. Once your can is more or less emptied into your pot dislodge any dust and spiders that may have settled colonies on your person, and crank the heat up to medium-low. Stir occasionally for a couple minutes to let your milk heat up before adding in both your semi-sweet and bittersweet chocolate chips. Add them in in about 3 batches. Keep stirring and let the whole thing melt and smooth out before adding more in. Normally you'd melt chocolate in a double boiler, and be hesitant about stirring it because crystals could form and it could seize up, and you could be the butt of many jokes made by me at your expense. This is all technically true, but in my experience the sweetened condensed milk helps to prevent this, kind of in the same way corn syrup would, by acting as a buffer between potential subversive crystal clumps. Follow your heart.

If possible, it's advisable to eat fudge in mountain form

Once your chocolate is melted in turn the heat off and stir in your whiskey and vanilla. Once they're incorporated and everything is smooth, pour the whole mess into a baking pan that you've thoughtfully lined with aluminum foil, and let it cool down to room temperature for about an hour. How big of a pan to use is up to you, but in my mind it's not really fudge unless it's thick. Otherwise it's just a chocolate bar. Toss your fledgling fudge in the fridge (I want to stop writing things like that, but I don't know how) and wait for it to set up completely, which ostensibly takes a couple of hours, but feels like an eternity. Allow extra time for several misguided attempts at eating your fudge early, wherein you get goop on your hands, refrigerator door, and possibly walls. When it's finally ready, turn the foil upside-down over a plate, and then remove it to reveal your fudgy treasure. Slice it into whatever servings you think are appropriate (e.g. in half, or completely unsliced) and consume it as fast as possible to keep intruders from claiming it as your own. You waited hours for this fudge. Your friends and family can pry it from your cold dead hands. Enjoy!

Eggnog Milkshake

Desolate winter snowscapes: the cause of adding booze to
things for roughly 1000 years.

Eggnog, it's commonly believed, was derived from a British drink popular in the middle ages called Posset. It is a classic British recipe consisting of taking stuff that doesn't have alcohol in it, and throwing some alcohol in it because it was Britain and the middle ages, and life wasn't especially worth living unless you were drunk enough to forget those things. Some people have theorized that alcohol was added in to preserve the drink and prevent people from getting sick. This is technically possible, but seems to be crediting a fair amount of scientific and medical knowledge to a group of people who literally used to bore holes in to each other's skulls to try and cure migraines. A more likely scenario is that alcohol was added to proto-eggnog in order to give people something to look forward to during the year so that they could better cope with the constant ridiculous insanity of their daily lives. It's used for pretty much the same purpose today. Adding ice cream and making it into a milkshake helps too.

Ingredients:

1 Cup Eggnog

1 Cup Vanilla Ice Cream (You want to get a decent vanilla ice cream here. The sort of vanilla that makes you think "delicious" instead of "boring.")

1/2 Cup Heavy Cream

1.5 TBSP Sugar

1/4 tsp Allspice

Cinnamon

Nutmeg

Whiskey!

So the first thing you're gonna need to do is find some eggnog. You can make it yourself, steal it, or buy it from a store. Homemade stuff will probably have a somewhat richer flavor and consistency, but we're mixing this with spices and ice cream, so it doesn't make that much of a difference. Though I've heard that eggnog won is twice as sweet as eggnog earned, so if you see any contests with an eggnog prize they might be worth entering. In any case, take your eggnog and toss in your allspice and cinnamon. If you want the best cinnamon flavor you can get, take some cinnamon sticks and throw them in a saucepan with your nog while heating it (Gently heating it. It's got dairy and eggs in it, neither of which you want curdling) for 20-30 minutes, and then let the mixture cool completely. If you have better things to do than spend upwards of an hour teasing out the the best flavor from your cinnamon, just add in half a teaspoon of ground cinnamon and call it a day. Sure, it won't taste quite as deliciously cinnamon-y, but again: we're mixing this with ice cream and whiskey. Take your spiced nog and throw it in your fridge while you whip up your cream. 

Alcohol, ice cream, and eggnog. That'll hold you over until
it's warm outside again.

Take your cream, sugar, and a small sprinkling of nutmeg, and whip that nonsense together until it forms a thick and delicious cream. This should take about 5 minutes, or roughly until your arm has wanted to fall of for a minute and a half. Now it's time to talk about whiskey. Traditionally (at least in the USA), bourbon is added to eggnog. Personally, I think that Irish Whiskey has a much better flavor for a drink like this, but feel free to experiment. There are no wrong answers with whiskey (there are so many wrong answers with whiskey. Evan Williams happens to be one.) As for how much of it to use, you can really add in as much or as little as you'd like. It's just about personal taste and your specific level of alcoholism and depression. Personally, I like it when the whiskey is one flavor that melds with the other flavors in the eggnog to make something new and awesome. That's about 2 TBSP of whiskey in this recipe. But if you drink eggnog more to forget the pains of all the times that Santa wronged you than to drink delicious drinks, feel free to up that to 2 liters, or whatever amount of whiskey soothes the violent raging storm in your soul. Then add your whipped cream on top and maybe some sprinkles because sprinkles are fun, especially when alcohol is involved, and maybe I've already had a few. Enjoy! 

Mulled Wine

Any work of fiction that has castles and horses
counts as medieval Europe. That's the law.

Well, it's official. There's snow on the ground in Chicago. I know that's not much of a shocker. It's kind of like saying that water is wet, or that a Oscar winning movie is disappointing, but it's still pretty momentous for me. I spent six years living in LA, where they think that snow is a myth believed only by credulous savages who haven't even done a juice cleanse this month. Seeing snowfall again has been calming, good for my soul, and cold. Like, really cold. Literally freezing. So now it's time to come up with ways to warm myself up and pretend like I'm somewhere else, anywhere else, where I don't have to shovel anything and my face doesn't hurt from being outside. Medieval Europe sounds about right. Nothing says "comfort and tranquility" like a drink popularized when people regularly died from getting run over by a horse.

Ingredients:

1 bottle Red Wine (I used a cabernet sauvignon that has a fair amount of sweetness in it, but follow your alcoholic heart and/or liver! If you're using something aggressively dry though, add in a tablespoon of honey to the rest of the ingredients)
12 Cloves
6 Cardamom Pods
4 Cinnamon Sticks
1/2 an Orange
Ginger

So mulled wine, as far as I can tell, was developed by the Romans back when they were conquering all the parts of the world that they were aware of. They liked wine, and brought it with them to the north because what sober person is going to go to war in the snow while wearing sandals? It seems like every European country has their own fiercely exclusive version of mulled wine, most of which are almost exactly the same. This is an amalgamation of what seemed best from all of those versions. So the first thing to do is open your bottle of wine and carelessly dump it in a pot. Then peel some ginger and slice off 2 1/2 inch thick wedges. If you like things more or less gingery I won't stop you from messing with this amount, just remember that this is about a balance of flavors, and that you've ruined it all and made an inferior version for yourself. Next slice the peel off of your orange half. Try to get as little of the white pith in with your peel as possible, because it (the pith) is bitter, and who needs that in their life? Toss your peel into the wine along with your ginger. Now for the rest of your ingredients you've got some options. You can just throw them in, but then you'll have to deal with the annoyance of straining them out later. Another way to go is to toss them in a spice bag or some cheesecloth, tie it off, and then just toss the resulting spice sack in your wine. Either way, crank your heat all the way up to a gentleman's...low.

Seriously, if I didn't have work I'd just sit home and sip
this all day. I considered calling in sick.

So here's the thing about alcohol. It evaporates pretty easily, which is exactly what it's going to do if you heat up your mulled wine too much. But you need the heat to extract flavor our of your spices and whatnot. It's a fine balancing act that's kind of a pain for a couple minutes, but totally worth it in the end. Let your wine stew for about 20 minutes, being careful not to let it boil. If you've got to take it off of the fire for a couple minutes here and there to achieve that, then so be it. Sure, you probably have other things you could be doing, but let's be honest: you weren't going to use that time productively anyway, and it's totally worth 20 minutes of your time to make a warm, delicious, alcoholic drink that kind of effervesces on your tongue with a crazy and awesome balance of spices. After that it's pretty simple. Pour it in to a cup, with optional garnishes like a cinnamon stick or a twist of orange peel, and then sip it slowly while brooding in your castle and contemplating the state of your fiefdom. Enjoy, and tune in next week when we continue Drinkcember with even more beverage goodness!

Cinnamon Schnapps

Trained actor depicted. Don't actually buy
store-bought schnapps

Well, it's official. The weather is finally starting to get colder. As of today that is, because it was 60 stupid degrees in Chicago yesterday. In December. And don't get me wrong, 60 degrees feels nice. But one of the main reasons I left LA, aside from getting away from the unnecessary levels of cilantro on everything and the overpowering stench of palm trees, was to maybe see snow again at some point in my life. You know, in person and not just added into a movie with CGI. So far that plan hasn't really worked out. Last year's winter in Chicago was pretty tame, and the only real snowfall came when I was out of town (because apparently I wronged the god of irony), but I've got high hopes for this year. Of course I've also been enduring an endless stream of possibly well-meaning acquaintances and doom-sayers taunting me about how this will be my first real winter in years, and how I'm obviously going to freeze to death because I'm no longer acclimated to the cold. Fortunately some delicious cinnamon schnapps really helps me make it through the long nights of dealing with those idiots.

Ingredients:

1 bottle Vodka

at least 10 Cinnamon Sticks

Water

Sugar

The first thing you're gonna need to do is buy some vodka. Now some of you may have discerned my personal feelings on things like vodka in general, but we're flavoring this sucker. I wasn't about to waste some good whisky on this, and anyway we need alcohol without any strong flavor of its own. So now we need to actually choose which vodka to buy, and there are a dauntingly high number of vodka brands at astonishingly different price points. From what I've been able to gather, Vodka is the main export of pretty much every eastern european nation, which explains a lot really. Again, we're flavoring this, so don't go crazy expensive with it. Just avoid any obvious garbage brands with names like "Alex's Upscale and Legitimate Vodka Product." You should be paying roughly 12-18 dollars for a bottle, so let that be your guide. Once you've picked out your vodka, pour out a shot of it and either consume it or throw it down the drain to try and get your drain-goblins good and drunk. Either way, fill up that empty space in your bottle with about 7 cinnamon sticks. Close the bottle back up and let it sit for a week, shaking it up every day or two. 

Seriously, which of these would you rather drink? I rest my
case. Regular vodka is for suckers. 

Now you've got cinnamon vodka, which is already better than regular vodka in pretty much every perceivable way, but we're not quite done yet. Take equal amounts of sugar and water and bring them to a boil along with some cinnamon sticks. About 3 sticks should do it for every cup of sugar you've got going. Let that sucker boil for about 5 minutes, and then let it cool completely. Now it's time to emulate our favorite mad scientists, and just mix together the various liquids we have lying around the house. Mix together a solution of about 2/3 cinnamon vodka and 1/3 cinnamon sugar syrup. The result is going to be super cinnamon-y, a little sweet, and a whole lot of deliciously awesome. Bring it to parties, drink it with friends on cold nights, or use it as a libation during your saturnalia celebration. Or all of the above. Happy alcoholism!

Dark And Stormy

Southern Illinois: where you learn that the sun was really
just the dark lord Sauron after all. 

I'm not an expert in irony, but when a fairly rare celestial event comes knocking on your door and invites you to get excited about it, only to have it be cloudy and rainy, well it's clear that we're being messed with. Not me, mind you. I was in southern Illinois for the total eclipse, and the sky was clear. It was awesome. But it seems statistically likely that you experienced nature trolling you. So your desire to drink your troubles away is understandable. And, if you're gonna drink until you can't feel feelings anymore, you may as well drink something good, and preferably a punny reference to all of the disappointment you experienced because you probably couldn't see the ridiculously cool thing that I totally saw, or at least couldn't get a very good view of it.

Ingredients:

Dark Rum (According to the people at Gosling's Rum, Gosling's is the only acceptable rum to make an authentic Dark 'n' Stormy. They seem objective.)
Ginger Beer
Limes
Ice

So, as you probably already know if you're from Bermuda, know literally anybody from Bermuda, or know any hipster snobs who only drink things out of mason jars, the Dark 'n' Stormy is kind of the national drink of Bermuda. Go figure. Lots of people claim it was invented there, but none of that has much to do with how to make it, so who really cares (historians, probably)? The first thing you're gonna need to do is learn the fine differences between ginger beer and ginger ale. Because one is a spicy, occasionally alcoholic, drink with a light and complex flavor. The other is a sweet fizzy drink with a hint of ginger flavor. Which is fine, but they aren't the same thing. Once you've learned about the fine distinctions between things, take your ginger beer and pour it over ice, preferably into a glass of some sort, until it's about 3/4 of the way filled. Then gently top it off with your dark rum. Add in a squeeze of lime juice, and garnish it with a lime if you're feeling fancy (I, apparently, was feeling fancy. A fact which flies in the face of my carefully crafted reputation as basically a hobo), and you're done! You should have a glass of dark liquid kind of swirling majestically on top of a sea of lightness and carbonation that it's slowly devouring. Which looks awesome, but if you drink it will just taste like one ingredient and then the other. So mix that sucker up if you know what's good for you.

So this, my 4th attempt, was more "dark" than "stormy."
But in my defense...sue me.

You can adjust the amounts of everything here to your personal taste, but I like it with this distribution (that's 3/4 ginger beer, 1/4 dark rum, and a squeeze of lime juice, for the slow class). The spiciness and crispness of the ginger beer lightens up the kind of burnt molasses flavors in the dark rum, and the lime juice kind of brings it all together. It tastes vaguely tropical, and kind of pirate-ey. Which technically isn't a word, but it's a pretty accurate description of the emotional response to drinking these, and I've already had a couple of them so it's a word now. Make sure to tune in next week, when I continue to make the written and spoken word my unwitting servant.

Pickleback

About as bad a pickle-based idea as Pickleback shots seem

There was a time when whiskey was only drunk by old men with monocles and cigars who spent their time sitting in leather armchairs and betting large swaths of land on games of pinochle. Nowadays, thanks to industrialization, increased quality of life, and some handy bloody coups, whiskey can be enjoyed by anybody willing to shell out a moderate amount of cash. Which, has mostly worked out well for me. But familiarity, as they say, breeds contempt. I mean, what other reason can there be for the nonsensical things people are doing to whiskey these days? Which brings us to the Pickleback. A couple years ago, the internet got all up in arms (as it tends to) about this new trend of taking a shot of whiskey and immediately following it with a shot of pickle juice. Despite immediately having several important questions about this phenomenon (such as the type of, and quantity of, the drugs enjoyed by the creator), I managed to resist ever trying it. I enjoyed my whiskey pickle-less, and all was good in the world. Now, years later, I was reminded of this trend, and a morbid curiosity overtook me. So I decided to try it out with a couple of different whiskeys and see what happens.

Ingredients:

Pickle Juice

Whiskey (According to the internet, Jameson is the preferred brand. Would the internet lie to you?)

Despite my natural aversion to ruining good whiskey, I actually talked myself into thinking I would like this. I like whiskey. I like pickles. Why wouldn't I like both of them together? (For the record, I also like steak and ginger ale, but I didn't decide to mix those together) So I went with 4 different whiskeys. I used the internet-approved Jameson, which is an Irish whiskey for those of you who don't know. I also decided to use my preferred basic Irish whiskey, Tullamore DEW, some Knob Creek bourbon, and some Benromach scotch (Which, because the Scottish apparently hate the letter E, is technically a whisky, and not a whiskey. In their defense, what has the letter E done for you lately?). So anyway, the first thing you're gonna have to do is get over the natural aversion that most living things have to just straight-up drinking pickle juice. I love pickles. I've even made them from scratch once or twice. But I never really considered drinking their leftover juice, mostly because I'm not starving or crazy. I mean, it's pretty much cucumber embalming fluid. But I digress. It's time to get over your hangups about not drinking things that, technically, were never meant to be consumed by any living creature, and pour yourself a nice full shot. Now pour a shot of whiskey, consume it, and then immediately follow it with your brine. 

Not pictured: Pickle Juice. It knows what it did.

So, personally, my initial feeling was one of disappointment. Not at the experience, more at how much it didn't actually feel like an experience. I tasted whiskey. Then I tasted pickles. I didn't really taste any blending of the flavors in any significant ways. The pickle flavor overpowered the whiskey and just replaced the flavor in my mouth. But, after 3 sad attempts, I came to the Knob Creek. This actually seemed to work. The harsher flavors were kind of mellowed, and some interesting subtle notes were emphasized by the pickling spices. Also, at this point I'd had 4 shots of whiskey in a fairly short period of time, so your results may vary. So in the end I'd say that mixing pickle juice with whiskey and then naming the concept after one of the most hated bands of all time wasn't a complete failure. It totally works if you're either already drunk, or if your whisky has more apparent bite than flavor. Or both! Or if you don't like the taste of whiskey, you drank it to try and impress somebody, and you just want to get the flavor out of your mouth as fast as possible. And replace it with pickles. Enjoy!

Cherry Jager Milkshakes

Yes, I've used this picture before. And no, I don't care.

It's that magical time of year again. That time of year when the birds sing, the flowers bloom, and the sun does its best to kill us all with its terrible terrible heat. At least, that's the way it seems in Chicago right now, where the heat has gotten so bad that the Cubs have been forced to just try and let their opposition wear themselves down, Rocky Balboa style, until the opportune moment to strike. That moment is apparently some time after the game is finished, but I'm sure it'll come eventually. The point is, the sun has it out for us. Again. Because, despite my repeated warnings about it, our federal government has done almost nothing about that dumb ball of gas that sits around in middle of our solar system, without paying any taxes, and expects us to just deal with it pelting us with radiation. So since our elected officials obviously can't be trusted not to kowtow to the powerful "sun lobby," it's up to me to find a way to keep us cool until we can get our sweet sweet vengeance.

Ingredients:

1 Pint of Cherry Ice Cream 
2 TBSP Jagermeister
1 Cup Chocolate Milk

You may have noticed that there's not much to this recipe in the way of ingredients. Is that because like the famed inventor of the clock radio, William Taddly Clocksworth (prove me wrong), I'm a genius who took basic ingredients that were lying around everywhere, and combined them into something glorious that had never before been conceived of? Yes. Yes it is. Anyhow, step one is to take your ice cream out of the freezer, and let it get just a little bit melty. If, like me, you're living in an apartment that doesn't have any air conditioning, this should take about 12 seconds. Once this is done, add in your Jager, and stir that whole thing up to distribute it throughout the ice cream, and  throw it back in your freezer. This is one of the hardest parts. When you feel that blast of cold coming out of the freezer, resist the urge to just set up a tent and live there for the Summer. I know it's hard, but if you persevere you'll be rewarded with cold boozy deliciousness. You know, the American dream.

Semi-stolen Slurpee straws just seem somehow appropriate
for a boozy milkshake. 

The freezer's gonna make your ice cream super cold again. You know, like freezer's do. The alcohol in the Jagermeister is gonna help keep your ice cream from freezing solid, even though it's just as cold as it was when it was frozen. This is because of a fascinating process called "science." Take your boozy ice-cream sludge out of the freezer, and mix it with your chocolate milk. Sure, you can add toppings like whipped cream, sprinkles, and hope if you like. Who am I to stop you? But even without any of those things, this sucker is delicious. And, like with all delicious things, I'm left wondering why you're still here instead of consuming it at this exact very moment. Like, right now. Go.

Poison Apples

Artist's depiction: my emotional reaction to
my recent experience in Indiana

So, I almost died this week. Not in the teenage girl “I will just DIE if Tiffany wears the same dress as me” sort of way. More in the “truck forcing me off of the highway at 60 MPH in the middle of Indiana” way. This has brought up a lot of strong emotions, not the least of which is the very strong urge to ensure that whenever I finally do die, I do it somewhere better than Indiana. Seriously, Indiana is the worst. Their slogan is “The Crossroads of America.” Even their slogan knows you don't want to stop in Indiana, and that you're just passing through on the way to somewhere better. That said, I am grateful to the Indiana-based tow truck driver who drove me 150 miles at 6 AM. It was a long and emotionally taxing day. When I got home, I just wanted to sit down with an easy and tasty drink, and poison my insides until they matched how I felt.

Ingredients:

Jagermeister

Hard Apple Cider

Ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is practically drown yourself in a sea of pathos, so that your posting ANOTHER drink recipe will be forgiven, or at the very least excused. I already did that with my delightful first paragraph that talked about how I almost died in a state whose main claim to fame is being the place where Joe Jackson beat his kids for not singing on key. But that's my thing, so you'll need to find your own. Once you're done establishing your cred in the pity and sorrow communities, fill up a cup with some ice. Ice is key. Without ice, all you have is some gunk you mixed together. With ice, you've got a cocktail!

Look at Jager and Cider. Just chillin' out, maxin', relaxin'
all cool. Lousy punks. 

Take about 6 oz. of your cider and pour it over the ice, making sure to remind everybody that another ingredient is coming soon, and you're not just some cider-drinking wuss (despite overwhelming evidence that, left to your own devices, you would totally love to be a cider-drinking wuss. Don't worry, this will taste good too). Add in 1 oz. of your Jagermeister, and then settle in for some hard life choices. If you want to go all decorative, leave it as is. It'll look like cider with darkness oozing down into it. Which sounds awesome, but when you first drink it the only thing you'll taste is the Jager. Or, you can lightly stir it, with a spoon or a small decorative frond or what-have-you. It'll just look like ominous dark liquid, but it'll taste awesome. OR, you could strain out your ice and pour it into shot glasses. It doesn't matter what anything looks or tastes like if it's in a shot glass. The only thing people care about is that there's a slightly-less-than-toxic amount of alcohol in there. Whatever method you've chosen to display your poison immediately prior to imbibing it is fine with me. Enjoy, and celebrate being alive! And, more importantly, not being in Indiana. See you next week, unless random emissaries from a random place succeed in their apparent quest to kill me!

Gin Gingerale

So, we’re about 2 weeks into this new presidency and, as expected, everybody is annoying me. There's crazy people on the one side who ardently defend even the most obvious mistakes that the Trump administration makes. They're easy to spot. They're usually saying things like “no, Trump meant to say that the cheap oompa-loompa labor force of the candy industry is a threat to the American worker. He just understands more about these things than us.” Then you have the crazies on the other side for whom no act Donald Trump has done since being sworn in, including scratching his ears, is tantamount to a war crime, and a blatant violation of the constitutional rights of disenfranchised earwax. The point is, everybody needs to shut it. And I need a drink. And I don't have the energy to mess with a bunch of ingredients. Fortunately, I know an awesome 2 ingredient drink that's delicious, and will keep me from caring so much about everybody’s nonsense. Oh! And the Super Bowl. You can also drink it during the Super Bowl. 

Ingredients:

2 oz. Gin (Any reasonably good quality version will work. Just don't use something like “uncle Pete’s discount jug ‘o gin,” and you should be fine.)

10 oz. Ginger Ale (Samesies)

Ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is drink a preparation beer, so that you can drown out the voices of everybody yelling at each other long enough to make this drink. Then take literally any large cup, and fill it up with ice. If you're all fancy, put your gin and ginger ale in a separate cup, stir them together with a spoon, and then pour the mixture into your icy cup. If you're often lazy, like me, choose instead to pour about half of your ginger ale over your ice, then add in your gin, and then haphazardly dump the rest of your ginger ale on top of it. Regardless of which method you choose, be it the fancy way or the right way, make sure not to share with your annoying friends who are clogging up your Facebook feed with politics. Repeat as necessary until relaxation ensues, and you end up actually watching the Super Bowl instead of getting in arguments with people. Of course, then you'll be faced with the uncomfortable task of actually watching a Super Bowl between the Falcons and the Patriots. Fortunately, you have a drink. 

Peppermint Scnogg

Dramatization

Some of you may have noticed that I didn't post anything last week. This may or may not have to do with the Cubs being in the World Series for the first time in generations. All we know for sure is that during the unscheduled break, Halloween happened. Which means that, legally speaking, it's now the Christmas Season. You can tell from how I was totally able to go buy Eggnog at the supermarket. That's one of the main characteristics of the Christmas Season. The others are trees smothered in pounds of tinsel, popcorn strung up and hung as a warning to the others, and people in weird hats asking you for money. And what better way to celebrate a new season (or month, or day) than with booze?

Ingredients:

3 Parts Eggnog
1 Part Peppermint Schnapps (Sure, you could totally buy this from the store like some sort of fancyman who likes spending more money on less quality. Or you could be a man and make it yourself)
Mini Chocolate Chips

The first thing you're gonna need to do is find or steal some holiday cheer. Because it's barely even November, and we're gonna be stuck with obnoxious music and displays in our stores for a long time. Once you're done storing up cheer for the barren winter months, go get some eggnog. I'm experimenting with some eggnog recipes, and may end up posting one in a week or two, but for now anything you find in the store is fine. Within reason. Don't get some weird unmarked carton that has "nog" scrawled on it in crayon. Also don't get some weirdly flavored, artisan, vegan, cruelty-free, fair-trade, bespoke "egg"nog that costs 12 dollars per ounce. Just regular eggnog, like a normal person would.

Santa hat I wore through Ireland added for nostalgia purposes

Take your aggressively neutral nog and mix it with peppermint schnapps. The amounts don't really matter. It all depends on how many people you're serving, or on how sad and alone you are. The important thing is the proportions. For every 1 part of schnapps, add in 3 parts of eggnog. Mix it together and pour it into some glasses. Top it with mini chocolate chips to make it look all pretty and delicious. Because we're full of holiday cheer, and so we're gonna be festive and decorative, you hear? Or else I'm gonna turn this car around and nobody gets to go to Santa's village. It's gonna be a long couple months.

4 Shots of the Fruit-Pocalypse

Artist's rendition: Me this morning

So yesterday I was at a wedding. It was pretty awesome. Happy people dancing, band playing music, awesome food, the whole deal. Also, there was a bunch of booze floating around. I was talking to a friend about my plans for this week's entry, which was gonna be an alcoholic drink involving chocolate, cream, sugar, bailey's, pure joy, and milkshakes. Sounds awesome, I know, but she was lamenting the fact that she wouldn't be able to try it until she was off of her wedding-diet. Which got me curious. That's always a bad thing. Curiosity and weddings mix badly. But I got inspired by the fruity nonsense drinks flying around the place to try and make a delicious simple drink that, while isn't exactly diet-friendly, is much more so than 1,000 pounds of cream, sugar, and chocolate all vying to make your face explode with happiness. Happiness, and also the daily caloric intake of Guatemala.

Ingredients:

2 shots of Peach Schnapps (Technically, a shot is 1.5 ounces. So this would be 3 ounces. Or you could have just taken a shot glass and filled it up twice, instead of making everything difficult)
1 shot Triple Sec
1 shot Vodka
1 20 oz. bottle of Ginger Ale
Limes! 
Ice!
Maraschino Cherries!

Warning: do not consume without first making a toast, laying
on a beach, or screaming out the roof of a limo.

This is a recipe that involves absolutely no cooking, and not much in the way of assembly either. If you can't figure this one out, you may want to just call in sick for the rest of the decade rather than risk the daily puzzle that is tying your shoes. The first thing you're gonna want to do is take your peach schnapps, triple sec, vodka, and ginger ale, and mix them together. Then slice your lime in to...slices of lime. Lay a couple lime slices upright in a glass, and then fill said glass with ice. Ice is key for any cocktail. Even heathen peoples who like warm beer, and will be rightfully punished by the gods for their blasphemy, acknowledge that cocktails need ice. So find some way to get some ice, and plop it in your glass. As you fill up the glass with ice, throw in some cherries and more lime slices along the edge of the glass, because we're classy goddammit. Then fill up your glass with your booze mixture. And that's it! You've got delicious fruity nonsense that's not as terribly caloric as it might have otherwise been. You know, if I was left to my own devices. My chocolatey, delicious devices. Enjoy.

Hot Chocolate

Actual recipe may vary

It's getting close to the end of April, and if the crazy fluctuations in the weather everybody keeps freaking out about are any indication, it's spring. Also, the calendar says it's spring. Also, this is when spring has always been in the northern hemisphere of this planet for pretty much ever. So if you didn't know it, you must be stuck in some godforsaken place with no seasons like LA where there's currently a heatwave. Fortunately, with enough mint, alcohol, and mint alcohol, the delicious warm awesomeness that is hot chocolate can still somehow seem cool and refreshing. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Ingredients:

1 Cup Whole Milk
1.75 Cups Heavy Cream
2 TBSP Powdered Sugar
1/2 Cup Regular Sugar
1/2 Cup Dark Chocolate
1 tsp Peppermint Extract
Peppermint Schnapps
An average sized human's pinch of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is make some whipped cream. Notice, I said "make" some whipped cream, not "buy" some whipped cream. For the nonsense hipsters among you, this is totally because store-bought whipped cream is full of artificial toxins that poison our bodies with their lack of a 300% mark-up and frivolous use of words like "organic." For the sane among you, it's because homemade whipped cream is so much better. And it lets you add flavorings. So take 3/4 of a cup of your heavy cream, along with your powdered sugar and your peppermint extract, shove them in a bowl together, and whisk the absolute crap out of them. For a short period of time. Whisk until your arm has been wanting to fall off for about 5 minutes, but your jerkstore skin and muscle tissue won't let it. Technically, what you're looking for with this stuff is called "stiff peaks," but what that means in human terms is pretty much, keep going until it looks like whipped cream. Once it does, stop, otherwise you'll end up with a grainy useless mess, and a life full of regret and shame.

Yeah, I'm way too distracted by that awesomeness to write
something pithy here. Sue me.

Add your milk, regular sugar, salt, and the rest of your cream to a saucepan, and crank the heat up to a gentleman's medium. Heat up your milk mixture to the point where it's just starting to steam a little bit, but isn't boiling, and stir in your chocolate until it's melted. Yes, your arm wants to fall off from all of your whisking back with your cream. You're still gonna stir in this chocolate. How? Here's a helpful guide. Once your chocolate is melted, turn off your heat. Yes, this stuff tastes incredible as is. But it's even better once it's all assembled, so control yourself. Pour some peppermint schnapps into the bottom of a glass (How much schnapps? As much as you want. There are no wrong answers. Adjust it to your taste. And remember, alcohol doesn't count if it's in a warm drink.), add in your chocolate milk making sure to leave about an inch of space in your cup, and then top the entire thing off with your whipped cream. In case you can still hear me over the sound of yourself actively salivating, you're welcome.

Blueberry Ginger Shot

The blueberries know this is a bad idea, but they're excited
to be a part of it. Never trust a berry named after a color.

So, I've been sick. What else is new? It seems like for the past month or so I've been getting sick a lot. But this time I got a fancy diagnosis, a couple prescriptions, and 2 shots, so I'm pretty sure any germs left in my body are trapped in germ POW camps, waiting for the antibody death squads to finish them off. But let's get back to those shots. Because, for the first time that I can recall, an alleged medical professional asked me to drop my pants and bend over. Technically she didn't ask in that order. Because initially she said the shot was going to be in my back, which turned out to be a lie. It was pretty weird, but whatever. People with 102 degree fevers don't tend to question medical direction. They spend their time on better things, like alternating between trying not to die, wishing they were dead, and pretty much turning into a drunk bear. Anyway, in honor of my unnecessarily large shot, I'm making an unnecessarily large shot. With blueberries. And ginger. In fact, forget the shot.

Ingredients:

1/4 Cup Blueberries

1 tsp Sugar

1/2 tsp Lemon Juice

1 oz. Rum

4 oz. Ginger Beer

Ice

Who says you can't make something awesome just because
you're sick? Blanket forts are awesome. Case closed.

Some might call it a bad idea to make an alcoholic drink while recovering from an illness and taking lots of antibiotics. But what is this? Communist Laos? America is all about not asking doctors questions we don't want the answers to, so let's make this drink. The first thing you're gonna need to do is chop up your Blueberries and throw them in a bowl along with your Sugar and Lemon Juice. The next thing you're gonna need to do is wait. Keep waiting. Has it been 15 minutes yet? No? Then keep waiting some more. Once your 15 minutes go by, use a spoon, fork, bag of rocks, or a couple swift uppercuts to smash the crap (pulp and juice) out of your Blueberries. Strain out the skins, and lay that pulpy nonsense down on top of some ice in an unnecessarily large cup for what's allegedly "a shot." Add in the rest of your ingredients. Stir lightly, and that's it! Or, if you thought ahead, you could have reserved a little bit of your Blueberry guts to sprinkle on top and make it all pretty at the end. And that's it again! Unless you want a garnish, because you're fancy, and can't handle life the way it really is, which is probably gonna lead to a harsh awakening some day, but today doesn't have to be that day. Then just toss some blueberries down in the sucker. And that's it. For real this time. Go...drink it. Do it now. I'm gonna go take a 15 hour nap. Seriously, that's it. Go home.

Hot whiskey

The name pretty much says it all. It's my last night in Ireland, and I'm enjoying my last truly Irish hot whiskey. Oh, you haven't heard of hot whiskey? Because it's insane. One awesome airbnb host introducing me to it, and one awesome Bushmills employee actually putting some in my hand, has legit changed my life. It's the absolute perfect drink if you're feeling a little under the weather, or if it's just cold out. Or if you just like delicious awesomeness. What's that? Alcohol is a depressant and isn't good for your immune system, so you think you can disprove it being good for feeling sick? Cram your word hole. Because this is Ireland, where magic, and rainbows, and pure joy come from. And I've personally experimented, and it works. Why are you still arguing? Didn't I already tell you to shut it (I did)?

Ingredients:

Irish whiskey

Water

Lemon

Cloves

Cinnamon

Honey

The first thing you're gonna need to do is go to Ireland. Because it's awesome. While you're there, stay in Ashford Castle. It's pricy, but insanely worth it. I'm seriously considering selling a limb so I can go back (unrelated question: how much do limbs go for on the black market these days?). 

Seriously. I stayed in a castle. It has...battlements. It's legit. It's alsogot forests   and falconry and horses, and clay shooting, and pretty much everything a castle should have. So go there. Romp around the forest. Work up a chill. Then go indoors. And weep because life will never be this good again, and castle-less life isn't worth living. Now it's time to drink some magic!

The recipe I'm giving you is slightly more involved than the typical pub recipe. It's the recipe for the hot whiskey they gave me at Bushmills, which was the best one I had. Take a spice bag (a spice bag, apparently, is a bag you shove spices in to infuse the flavor into cooking liquids without the mess of straining spices. Or you could ignore the spice bag, and just chew your whole spices, like a man. A potentially toothless man.), and cram cinnamon and cloves all up in it. Dump it in some water, and boil it until it's good and dead. Then take a slice of lemon and a smidge of honey and throw them in the bottom of a glass. Add in some whiskey and some steaming-hot-spice-water. Twice as much water as you've got whiskey. Now stir lightly, and drink it down. You won't regret it. I guarantee it (not a guarantee). Then wander back into the Irish wilderness and tackle a new day of absolutely insane awesomeness. 

This isn't exactly the same. This is the hot whiskey from the airport hotel I'm spending my last night at. It's not quite as awesome as the stuff I got at Bushmills, but it's still fairly epic. Now I get to go to sleep so I can make my early morning flight and go back home to LA! (Seriously guys, how much can I get for say...an arm. I can probably sell a couple arms. Don't ask whose.)

Hot Toddy

A rare look at the hot-tubbing habits of common ingredients

It has come to my attention that not everybody knows what a Hot Toddy is, and apparently these belligerent dissidents aren't willing to do their own googling. So here's what a Hot Toddy is: Awesome. It's a warm drink, traditionally made with some combination of Whiskey, Hot Water, Honey, and Spices. It's typically consumed on a cold day or rainy day, at night before bed, or whenever you feel like it because this is America, dammit. Even if you're reading this from some other country, the inherent America-ness of my willingness to drink an awesome drink whenever is, even now, permeating your computer and infecting you. That's the awesome power of the awesome power of the internet. 

Ingredients:

1 Cup Standard Issue Water

2 tsp Honey

1 Slice of Lemon

1 Slice of Lemon Peel

3 Whole Cloves

2 Cinnamon Sticks

1 Shot of Whiskey (That's 1.5 ounces for those of you sad sad people who don't drink regularly enough to know the standard conversions for alcoholic measurements)

1 average-sized human's pinch of Nutmeg

Let's get one thing straight. The Hot Toddy has a couple different stories concerning its spelling and origin. I don't pretend to know which one is correct, but this one has a certain "truthiness" to me: There was an Irish doctor named Robert Bentley Todd who became famous for prescribing his patients a hot drink of Brandy, Cinnamon, Sugar-syrup, and Water. That's not in dispute. It really did happen. Whether that's the 100% indisputable origin of this drink and it's name, we may never know (it totally is). Now then, this recipe, like all of my favorite recipes, combines 2 important elements:

1)An awesome result that's not too hard to achieve

2)Giving drunk people the chance to accidentally hurt themselves with knives and fire. And if they're super drunk, with cinnamon sticks and cloves.

I'm pretty sure that just looking at this picture cured my
cold and got me over my last 3 breakups. 

The first thing you're gonna need to do is fill a small pot with your Water, Honey, Slice of Lemon (The actual lemon, not the extra slice of peel), Cloves, Nutmeg, and 1 Stick of Cinnamon. Bring it to a boil over medium heat, and let it cook together for about a minute. Turn the heat off, and let it sit uncovered for another 30 seconds or so to cool slightly. While your water is cooling, add the rest of your ingredients to a mug, or a teacup, or whatever it is you want to drink out of. Typically it's something with a handle because it's a hot drink, but if you've got the heart of a lion (gross), use whatever cup or bowl you'd like. Strain your water mixture by thrusting your hand into it, grasping the cinnamon, lemon, and cloves in your samurai fist, and removing them all within the blink of an eye. Or use a slotted spoon, like a communist. Either way, add the liquid in to your Whiskey-cup, and stir it with your second Cinnamon Stick. And enjoy! People say that these are a really awesome way to treat a cold. I don't know if there's medical science to back that up, but if you drink enough of them, you probably won't care about your cold anymore. You're welcome.

Baked Burgers

Sadly, no delicious-looking pictures this week, because of
 travel,  and nonsense, and forgetting to take them. 

So it's getting colder outside. The days are getting shorter, and more filled with cold, rain, and maybe even snow. Boo-hoo. Are you gonna let that stand between you and delicious burgers? Is that what our ancestors hunted the buffalo to near-extinction for? Not in my America. But for those of you who lack the will of the warrior, and can't contend with the cold, I've got some delicious burgers that you can make in the oven to hide your shame from friends and family!

Ingredients:

1 lb. Ground Beef

1 Egg

1/2 cup Seasoned Breadcrumbs

1/4 cup Ketchup

1 tsp Garlic Powder

1 tsp Onion Powder

1 tsp Whiskey 

1 average human sized pinch of Salt

An unspecified amount of Oil

The most important thing about burgers is to drink beer while you cook them. That's how George Washington did it, and it's a tradition I'm proud to keep alive today (be glad we don't follow Ben Franklin's burger traditions). Once you've got this going, it's time to meticulously build our meat mixture for our burgers but by bit, carefully considering each level of flavor. Or just throw all the ingredients in a bowl and squoosh them together with your hands. That works too. Don't overwork the meat, for the obvious reasons (Because I said so. Also, to keep the texture awesome. Also...labor laws), just gently bring it all together. Which is hard, I know, because it's fun to squoosh ground meat, but just contain yourself. 

Artist's rendition of me demanding more burgers

Once your ingredients are mixed, it's time to form your burger patties. Separate your meat mixture into segments that are, roughly, 1/3 of a pound, and flatten them down into disks. Or, be super neurotic about it and use a scale to measure each bit out. Either way. A lot of recipes will tell you to heat up your pan in the oven so that the burgers will sear and lock in the juices. Which is gypsy nonsense. But searing does make some awesome flavors, so if you feel like it, grease up your pan with a thin coating of oil and stick it into your 350 degree oven for a couple minutes before throwing your burgers in. Cook them for about 10 minutes, flip them, and cook them for another 10 minutes. And that's it! Delicious burgers in any weather. Just shove them on a bun with your favorite burger toppings and enjoy. Unless you're one of those people who puts mayo on burgers. In which case you can't enjoy this, or probably anything else in your sad, over-mayoed life. 

Grenadine

My clothes got stained just looking at this

It's the Jewish high-holiday season, and that means one thing. Kosher markets desperately trying to unload a crapload of surplus pomegranates. And also some nonsense about self-examination and changing for the year to come. But you can't put that in booze, so who cares?

Ingredients:

4 Cups Pomegranate Juice (That's gonna be about 16 Pomegranates. If you want, you can use the store-bought pre-juiced stuff, but just be cognizant of the fact that I will be judging you)
1 Cup Sugar
1 TBSP Lemon Juice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is get comfortable with staining your shirt, counter, walls, and loved ones. Because, pretty uniquely as far as fruits go, pomegranates are aware of the indignity you're about to put them through. And they're angry. Fortunately, drowning is their one weakness. Like pretty much every non-aquatic organism! So lightly slice through the thick outer skin of your pomegranate, just to kind of piss it off. Then submerge it in water, and tear it up. The seeds, which are technically called arils (pretentious people will only call them arils. Because they're the worst), will sink while the waxy white bits will float. Take your pretentious drowned arils, and put them in a blender, food processor, or other implement of destruction, and then strain it through cheesecloth. And there you have it! Pomegranate juice! Or you can buy it in juice form from pretty much any grocery store for the low low price of your dignity.

Make sure to wait so long to take your picture that the
Grenadine all settles at the bottom and you don't get pretty
patterns in your tequila sunrise. Bonus points for storing your
Grenadine in a leftover tequila bottle.

Once you have your juice all taken care of, throw it in a pot along with your Sugar and Lemon Juice. Throw it on some medium heat, and stir it occasionally until the sugar melts completely. Then turn the heat down to medium-low, and let it reduce. Which essentially means just let it sit over the heat and try not to get super nervous about whether it's burning or not. Also stir occasionally, partially to actually keep it from burning, but mostly just to ease the sad voices in your head. When it's reduced by half, meaning there's about 2 cups left in the pot, turn off the heat. It'll still be kinda liquidy. Calm down. It'll get thicker as it cools down. And that's all there is to homemade Grenadine, which incidentally tastes about 1000 times better than the corn syrup stuff they sell in stores. This stuff has a ton of uses. You can make mixed drinks like a Tequila Sunrise, or a Kamikaze. It probably has other uses too!

Irish Apple Crisp

The apple racial divide is strong at the supermarket

So you're having friends over. Congratulations on having friends! Now comes the existential dread from knowing that they're quietly judging everything about you, including (but not limited to) your apartment decor, the food you serve them, and the gigantic collection of antique clown statues in your damn foyer. The key is in the dessert. Give them something awesome to remember, and to associate with your entire awkward night of Apples to Apples and dramatic readings of the Berenstain Bears. Alcohol might also help.

Ingredients:

3 Granny Smith Apples

2 Gala Apples

2 Cups Brown Sugar

1 Cup Oatmeal

1/2 Cup chopped Walnuts

2 TBSP Coconut Oil

2 TBSP Irish Whiskey (I prefer Tullamore Dew, because it tastes better and costs less than most other Irish Whiskeys. But feel free to waste your money on an inferior product. It'll almost be like you're a congressman!)

1 TBSP Lemon Juice

2 tsp Cinnamon

2 tsp Corn Starch

1/2 tsp Ground Nutmeg

1/2 tsp Ground Ginger

1/4 tsp Ground Cloves 

2 typical human sized pinches of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is dice your apples. This used to take me a long time, cutting little wedges out and buying apple corers and whatnot, until I discovered an ancient secret: it doesn't actually matter if you get every damn inch of usable apple. Yes, excessive food waste isn't good, but wasting an hour to save half an ounce of apple is counterproductive. You heard me stereotypes of soviet Russia in the 80s. So hold it on a cutting board, and just slice off an entire side of it. Repeat 3 times and you're in business. Once they're good and choppity chopped, toss them in your Lemon Juice to keep them from turning into gross brown nonsense.

Throw your lemony apples in a pot along with half of your Brown Sugar, Cinnamon, and Salt, and all of your Corn Starch, Nutmeg, and Cloves. Got That? Good. Because if you messed it up nobody will ever forgive you, and only your creepy clown statues will love you. Just like last week. Saute` that whole mess over medium heat, stirring occasionally to show you care, for about 4 minutes. Add in your Whiskey, and keep it on the fire for another minute or so, and then dump it all in a baking dish. 

Goodbye hunger, hello diabetic coma! Totally worth it.

Now it's time to make some crumbly goodness. Take a bowl, and dump in...the rest of your ingredients. That's your Oatmeal, Ginger, Walnuts, Coconut Oil, and the rest of your Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, and Salt for you kids in the back who weren't paying attention. Mush it all together with your hands, and then splorp it on top of your apple mixture. Try to spread it out relatively evenly. Or don't, and call it "rustic." But we'll all know what it really means (it means lazy). Bake it at 350 for about 30 minutes, when it starts to smell up your whole house with it's intrusive awesomeness, and the topping is crispy. And that's it! Irish Apple Crumble! Except it's still burning hot, so probably don't have it until it cools down a little, or you find some way to fireproof yourself. Or just go at it and have a cool story to tell in the burn ward.

Pineapple Daiquiri

This week in self-discovery: I learned I'm a Pineapple Serial
Killer. I stalked them, cut off their heads, and hollowed them
out. I'm more than a little disturbed by this. Oh well. 

You know, I really thought we were done with this. I thought that the sun and I had decided that, while we weren't ever gonna be friends, at least we could work together. He'd keep his distance, and I'd stop ruining his favorite movies for him. But all of that is over. Not only is that jerk back in my face this week, he brought his dick friend humidity along to the party. Well, I'm done playing nice. (If Indiana Jones hadn't existed in Raiders of the Lost Ark, not only would the result still have been a room of nazis getting their faces melted, but one of those melted nazis would likely have been Hitler. Deal with it.) This recipe will keep you from feeling the effects of that gas-ball, possibly through refreshment. Possibly through a whole lot of alcohol consumption. I've heard it both ways. But the point is..well, I guess that was the point.

Ingredients:

1 standard-issue Pineapple

1/4 cup Pineapple Juice

1/4 cup Coconut Rum

1/4 cup White Rum

2 TBSP Triple Sec

The juice from 2 Limes

2 TBSP fresh Mint Leaves

1 tsp Sugar

Ice!

So much ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is re-evaluate your life choices. You could have gone on that Antarctic expedition and married that penguin like your mother wanted. But nooooo. You had to live around other people, in an above-freezing climate. And now you have to deal with the consequences. Once that sinks in and you finish weeping, take a grade-A thwacking knife, and decapitate your Pineapple. Then, using a combination of knives, spoons, and voodoo witchcraft, hollow out the inside of the pineapple, leaving about a 1/4 inch of fruit around the skin to act as a barrier. Or don't. But don't come crying to me when you're drinking out of a dumb boring glass instead of a badass pineapple corpse. 

A huge thanks to Sarah from Ralph's on Pico for randomly
giving me festive umbrellas to stick in my Pineapple.

Take your removed Pineapple, and separate the tasty tasty fruit from the gross and hard core (The process looks something like this). Take the fruit, and muddle the hell out of it along with your Sugar and Mint. Don't remember what muddling is? Google it. Or read what I said the last time I talked about it. Then find a container that has a lid. Maybe a mason jar, or an old milk jug that you cleaned out for totally not-creepy purposes. Fill said lidded receptacle with ice. Like, entirely. Then add in the rest of your ingredients. Clamp the lid down on your container and shake the living hell out of it. Pour your muddled mixture into the nearest handy hollowed out pineapple corpse, add your booze/juice mixture right on top of it, and enjoy! For those of you wondering why this Daiquiri recipe isn't an alcoholic slushy, it's because that's not what a Daiquiri is. That's right, Dave and Buster's lied to you.