April 19, 2016

Hot Chocolate

Actual recipe may vary
It's getting close to the end of April, and if the crazy fluctuations in the weather everybody keeps freaking out about are any indication, it's spring. Also, the calendar says it's spring. Also, this is when spring has always been in the northern hemisphere of this planet for pretty much ever. So if you didn't know it, you must be stuck in some godforsaken place with no seasons like LA where there's currently a heatwave. Fortunately, with enough mint, alcohol, and mint alcohol, the delicious warm awesomeness that is hot chocolate can still somehow seem cool and refreshing. At least that's what I'm telling myself.


1 Cup Whole Milk
1.75 Cups Heavy Cream
2 TBSP Powdered Sugar
1/2 Cup Regular Sugar
1/2 Cup Dark Chocolate
1 tsp Peppermint Extract
Peppermint Schnapps
An average sized human's pinch of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is make some whipped cream. Notice, I said "make" some whipped cream, not "buy" some whipped cream. For the nonsense hipsters among you, this is totally because store-bought whipped cream is full of artificial toxins that poison our bodies with their lack of a 300% mark-up and frivolous use of words like "organic." For the sane among you, it's because homemade whipped cream is so much better. And it lets you add flavorings. So take 3/4 of a cup of your heavy cream, along with your powdered sugar and your peppermint extract, shove them in a bowl together, and whisk the absolute crap out of them. For a short period of time. Whisk until your arm has been wanting to fall off for about 5 minutes, but your jerkstore skin and muscle tissue won't let it. Technically, what you're looking for with this stuff is called "stiff peaks," but what that means in human terms is pretty much, keep going until it looks like whipped cream. Once it does, stop, otherwise you'll end up with a grainy useless mess, and a life full of regret and shame.

Yeah, I'm way too distracted by that awesomeness to write
something pithy here. Sue me.
Add your milk, regular sugar, salt, and the rest of your cream to a saucepan, and crank the heat up to a gentleman's medium. Heat up your milk mixture to the point where it's just starting to steam a little bit, but isn't boiling, and stir in your chocolate until it's melted. Yes, your arm wants to fall off from all of your whisking back with your cream. You're still gonna stir in this chocolate. How? Here's a helpful guide. Once your chocolate is melted, turn off your heat. Yes, this stuff tastes incredible as is. But it's even better once it's all assembled, so control yourself. Pour some peppermint schnapps into the bottom of a glass (How much schnapps? As much as you want. There are no wrong answers. Adjust it to your taste. And remember, alcohol doesn't count if it's in a warm drink.), add in your chocolate milk making sure to leave about an inch of space in your cup, and then top the entire thing off with your whipped cream. In case you can still hear me over the sound of yourself actively salivating, you're welcome.

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