April 26, 2016

Matzah Balls

They bled yer mama, bled yer papa, but they won't bleed you
Matzah Balls are kind of interesting. They're, by Hollywood's dumb standards anyway, the quintessential Jewish foodstuff. They taste awesome, aren't particularly hard to make, and still, pretty much the only time any of us has any is when we're at a jewish holiday meal in the certified home of a genuine Jewish grandmother. And I, for one, am sick and tired of hiding in their attics hoping for a scraps (The creepiest thing I've typed on this blog to date, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see if we can beat that record.)


1 Cup Matzah Meal (For the "differently Jewish" among you, Matzah is a terrible terrible cracker Jews consume for religious reasons during Passover. Matzah Meal is what happens if you crush it into itty bitty pieces over and over, so that you never have to see its stupid matzah face again.)
4 Eggs
2.5 TBSP Schmaltz (As I've mentioned before, schmaltz is rendered chicken fat. For an inauthentic version of how to achieve this, demonstrated by a woman who is clearly writing a novel in her free time in which she murders absolutely everybody she knows, click here!)
1 tsp Salt
1 tsp Ground Ginger
1 Average Sized Human's pinch of White Pepper
Chicken Stock!

The first thing you're gonna need to do is channel your inner Jewish grandmother. This mostly involves hinting to every relative you have that they really should call and visit more often unless of course they want you to sit alone and forgotten in your big empty house, and dropping the hint that they'll die of a wasting sickness if they don't start eating more. Also some light housework. Once it's all done, collect your eggs together, tearfully explain to them what they're about to go through, and then beat them until their insides are all mixed together. Add in your matzah meal, schmaltz, salt, ginger, and pepper, and stir to combine. Then cover that weird glop, shove it in the fridge, and let it think about what it's done for at least 15 minutes.

Not pictured: thousands of years of persecution, soup
While your gunk is in the fridge getting to know itself, heat up a pot full of chicken stock until it boils. Fill up a cup with water, and set it to the side. Take your matzah sludge out of the fridge (Assuming it's been at least as long as I told you to wait. Don't be using that statement as an excuse to ignore my instructions and still blame me for your inevitable demise. I'm looking at you, the entire nation of Zambia). Dip your hands into the water that you totally didn't forget to set aside, and form your matzah goop into balls about the size of a golf ball. Let them sit for a minute to get a false sense of security, and then dump those suckers right into your boiling chicken stock. Cover them and let them boil for about an hour, when they've doubled in size, are soft and fluffy throughout, and are no longer calling out for help or whistling. And that's it! Serve them in delicious soup if you're authentic. Serve them on their own if you're trying way too hard. The point is, you're not gonna have any leftovers. Also, regardless of who you are, you're like one eight more Jewish now. You're welcome.

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