May 3, 2016

Red Cabbage Slaw

It's like the world's least interesting or dangerous stampede
There comes a time in every man's life where he's forced to contend with coleslaw. As you may or may not know, coleslaw is what happens when some idiot decides it's a good idea to take a bunch of mayonnaise and sugar and throw it on top of cabbage. For reference, it's that thing that comes on the side of your sandwich in deli-restaurants that you don't eat because it tastes like an even blander version of soggy cardboard. I can't say that I recommend it. But, like a lot of bad food, most local politicians, and--according to my old little league coach-- my hitting game, it's got some real unrecognized potential. Except that I just recognized it. Try not to think about it.


1/2 a head of Red Cabbage 
5 Carrots
3/4 Cup of Orange Juice
1/2 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar
2 TBSP Honey
2 TBSP Olive Oil
1/2 tsp Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do it find some vegetarian and/or vegan friends. Because otherwise, what's even the point of making delicious vegan food. Just go make some meatballs and call it a day. Once you've mastered the art of human interaction to the point where vegans don't flee from you, it's time to peel the outer layer of your cabbage off. Because it probably tastes as gross as it looks, and because those things grow in the dirt. Have you seen the dirt lately? Exactly. So peel off that outer layer of bluh, and then choppity chop up the cabbage into bits. Peel your carrots and grate the crap out of them. Take all the bits of carrots, bits of your hands, and bits of nearby furniture and pets that the box grater decided to attack, and throw them in with your cabbage.

Friends to share this with sold seperately
Now it's time to take all the rest of the ingredients, dump them in a bowl, and whisk the crap out of them. This is pretty much the hardest part of this recipe, and it's super easy. This thing is practically impossible to screw up, despite your best efforts. Toss everything together in a bowl, cover it, and shove that sucker in the fridge for a minimum of 3 hours, going back in occasionally to stir the whole thing up (oh, is it too hard for you to occasionally stir your food so it'll be delicious? Suck it up.) and that's it! You've got some delicious slaw, with no mayo in it, with flavors that actually complement each other. It's food good enough for kings. Vegan kings! know, the good kind of kings. Those too.

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