May 10, 2016

Jalapeño Cheddar Hashbrowns

The 1st picture in the series "Getting kicked out of the store
for posing the food."
A friend of mine recently tried to convince me that the tater tots they call hashbrowns at Dunkin Donuts to try and trick you out of your hard-earned money, are actually legit. She went on about how there are different types of hashbrowns, and how it's just a style that I hadn't seen before. Except I had seen them before. Because they were tater tots. No amount of rebranding will make them anything other than tater tots. Which isn't to say that they were bad, but they definitely weren't hashbrowns. Sure, this may seem like a pointless anecdote that doesn't really have anything to do with how to make delicious cheesy jalapeño hashbrowns.


4 Potatoes (White potatoes have a pretty thin skin, so you don't really need to worry about peeling them, and they hold up well when grated. Or you could use whatever random potatoes you have lying around and end up with garbage food. Whatevs.)
2 Jalapeño Peppers
1 small Onion
6 oz. shredded Cheddar Cheese
1 Egg
1 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Black Pepper
Vegetable Oil
1 sacrifice of chunks of your soul and body, torn asunder by pernicious circumstance

The first thing you're gonna need to do, is to come to grips with the fact that life is hard, and that pain is a regular and natural part of it that can't fully be controlled. Then, with a heavy heart, grab a box grater to grate up some vegetables and probably at least one major limb. Rinse off your potatoes, and grate them into a bowl until your arm gets angry at you and tries to make you regret ever having an arm. Once you're finished, lull your dumb arm into a false sense of security by taking a break from the grating. Use this time to rinse your jalapeños, remove their cores and seeds, mince them into itty bitty jalapeño bits, and add them in with the potatoes. Then peel your onion, chop it in half, and get back to grating until your arm starts shopping at Hot Topic and wearing gloomy makeup. Here's a fun fact! Onions release an irritant into the air that causes burning and tear production in your eyes. So while you're grating your onions on your potentially homicidal grater, you're gonna have impaired vision. Have fun!

Pictured: 1 plate of delicious hashbrowns, 1 plate of delicious
nonsense, decorative jalapeño and potato.
Using your remaining limbs, and whatever blood is still pumping through them, add in your cheese, salt, pepper, and egg, and stir to combine. Wrap the whole mess in cheesecloth or paper towels, and squeeze it to remove as much moisture as you can. Coat a pan with some oil, and heat it over medium heat. If, like my anecdotal friend, you believe that hashbrowns should be potato patties (which seem suspiciously like latkes), form some patties and get to frying. About 5 minutes on each side. But do yourself a favor, and at least make them larger, so you have something to actually bite into. If, like me, you believe in justice, and freedom, and in hashbrowns that are a pile of fried potato shreds and junk loosely held together by the common belief that life can be delicious, just throw a pan-full of your mix into your oily pan, and get to frying. Stir every minute or so until the whole thing starts to get crispy, brown and awesome. Either way, you're gonna be eating some delicious awesomeness. And one way you'll be eating hashbrowns too!

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