Sloppy Joe

So, according to the internet, another name for a Sloppy Joe
is a "Wimpie." So this happened. Because I'm a child.

Legend has it that back in Sioux City, Iowa (The "Tallahassee" of Iowa) a chef named Joe invented what he called "The loose meat sandwich." And it was awesome. But the only thing known to man that sounds less appealing than "Loose Meat Sandwich" is "Fishguts Ice Cream," so it's no surprise that the name didn't stick. The awesomeness did though. As little as 10 years later, cookbooks were printing recipes for "Sloppy Joe" sandwiches, which sounds like a super backhanded compliment to me. They're down for naming the sandwich after him, but they still have to get a dig in at Joe's expense. Because cookbook writers are jerks. Then again, apparently the term "Sloppy Joe" used to refer to any cheap diner food, or even to cheap clothing. So maybe they weren't insulting Joe himself, just his job, cooking, clientele, and clothes.

Ingredients:

1 lb. Ground Beef
1 standard-issue Onion
1 Bell Pepper
1 clove Garlic
8 oz. Tomato Sauce
2 TBSP Chili Powder
1 TBSP Tomato Paste
1 tsp Ground Cumin
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1/2 tsp Ground Mustard 
1/2 tsp Worcestershire Sauce (Nobody can ever agree on how to pronounce this name, but it's named after an actual place, so that should make it simple. It's pronounced "Glasgow.")
1/2 tsp Balsamic Vinegar
1/4 tsp Hot Sauce
Oil
Salt 

The first thing you're gonna need to do is brown your meat so you can set it aside like a neglectful parent who has better things to do than pick you up from soccer practice, thank you very much. So coat a pan with oil, heat it over medium heat, throw your beef in there, and let it sizzle for a bit (Oxford comma added for reasons of logic and awesome). Flip it and repeat, and then break up your ground beef into little beeflets using a wooden spoon. Drain any excess liquid, and set your beef aside so it can learn the hard way how to use the bus system. 

Buns sold separately. Sense of deep emotional fulfillment
may not apply in your region.

Choppity chop your onions, bell pepper, and garlic into tiny bits. Sauté your onion in a pan coated with oil along with an average-sized human's pinch 'o salt. Coom for about 3 minutes before adding in your belle pepper, garlic, and another AHSP of salt. Cook for another 2 minutes, then add in your chili powder, black pepper, mustard, tomato paste, and hot sauce. If your beef has managed to find its way back home, this is a good time to add it back in to the party as well. Let that whole nonsense cook down for a minute or so and then add in your tomato sauce, worcestershire, and balsamic. Cook for another 2 minutes, or until it smells so good that you literally can't stop yourself from reaching your hand in and shoving that goodness in your food hole, forks, propriety, and severe burns be-damned. And there you have it! Sloppy Joes! Throw that sucker down on a bun and enjoy. Or get creative and put it in an egg roll, or on mashed potatoes, or just eat it straight. Or don't. More for me.