Pickles 2: The Ginger-ing

All you vegetables are just pickles to me

Pickles are awesome. This is an undeniable fact. Some of you might remember that I have strong feelings about pickles, because I've actually totally made them before on this very blog. To be honest, that might be my favorite post that I've made, and not just because of the multiple links to the exact same video clip from the Little Rascals. I'd say it's like 50/50 delicious easy pickles and Little Rascals. The point is, last week when I was supposed to be sitting home alone writing a blog post in a pile of sadness caused by not traveling, I totally was in south Florida instead. It was incredible despite, technically, being in Florida (The gator wrestling capital of the world). And while I was there I ate at a restaurant that served me the best damn pickles I've ever had in my life. I seriously considered asking for the recipe. And by "seriously considered," I mean "I totally did, but they shot me down." You know, like when a guy at work seriously considered asking out Candace from accounting. The point is, they wouldn't give me the recipe. And I only know one solution to that sort of rejection.

Ingredients:

1 English Cucumber (While the nationality of your produce isn't really my business, in general English cucumbers don't have big seeds, and are longer and narrower. All of which are good things since we're going to be cutting everything in to bite-sized slices. So just this once, god save the queen)
2 standard-issue Carrots
1 Red Onion
3 cloves Garlic
1 standard-issue hunk of Ginger
1.5 cups Water
1 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
3 TBSP Salt
1.5 TBSP Honey
2 tsp Black Peppercorns
1/2 tsp Saffron threads
1 Star Anise pod
1 Lime

Now, I just want to be clear. I started experimenting with weird pickle flavors because of the pickles at this restaurant, but I didn't re-create them. Much like Jack Black said, this is just a tribute. A tribute which happened to turn out tasty and super easy to make, which worked out as a nice bonus. That said, the first thing you're going to have to do is make your brine. So throw your water, vinegar, peppercorns, honey, salt, and star anise in a pot and set them to boil. Yes, boiling vinegar will make your whole kitchen smell like vinegar. Yes, it'll be worth it for the food. Plus, you neighbors will stop complaining about you never inviting them over for meals. While this is going down it's time to deal with your vegetables. Peel and roughly chop your ginger and garlic and throw them in to some container with a lid. Peel your carrot and slice it into thin rings. Similarly, slice your cucumber into thin rings, and then peel your onion and slice it in to...not rings. Cut your onion in half and then just slice it relatively thinly. The exactitude of each knife cut isn't important. These are pickles. They'll turn out ok even if they look a little weird, just like children. Just make them bite-sized and as uniform as you can, and then throw them in your container along with your saffron. Slice your lime, add it in to the party, and you're like 99% done with this recipe.

Delicious on tacos. Or burgers. Or cardboard.

Once your brine boils, turn the heat down and let it simmer for about 10 minutes or so. Then dump it all over your jar of vegetables. Let the whole mess get down to room temperature before throwing a lid on it and dumping it in to your fridge. Now here's the deal. Since you cut everything thinly, these pickles will take shape pretty quickly. After about 4 hours they should already taste pretty pickley and delicious. That said, the longer they sit, the more intense flavors will get packed in to them. They should last for a couple of weeks in the fridge. Or, more accurately, if they were in your fridge for a couple of weeks they'd still be good to eat. There's no way they're actually going to last in your fridge for more than a couple of days though. They're just so tasty. Also, pickles are super refreshing on a hot day. Which is all that Florida knows how to do, I think. The locals there start wearing heavy coats and boots when it drops below 80. I'm pretty sure it would take me all day to explain to them the concept of what snow even is. Anyhow, happy pickling!

Refrigerator Pickles

Cucumber have the unique ability to be completely gross
normally, yet super delicious pickled. Because, witchcraft.

If there's one thing that everybody who's gone shopping with me at 2 in the morning knows, it's that I love pickles. Also, I have strong feelings on self-checkout kiosks. But mostly it's the pickle thing. At their best they're refreshing, salty, crispy, and about 5 different kinds of awesome. And also about 5 dollars for a little jar of cut-up cucumber. And even though I love pickles, that's just too much. Fortunately, after some basic research, I found out that I could make my own pickles, without too much of a hassle, for a fraction of the price. And nothing says delicious pickles like fiscal responsibility.

Ingredients:

1.5 Cups Water
1.5 Cups White Vinegar
2.5 TBSP Salt
Cucumbers, or other junk (Turns out you can pickle pretty much anything. Cucumbers are awesome, but you got carrots? You can pickle em. You got cauliflower? You can pickle it. You've got a side of brisket? Oh, you better believe you can pickle it)
One bunch fresh Dill
4 cloves Garlic
1 tsp Mustard Seed
1 tsp Black Peppercorns
1 tsp Celery Seed
1/2 tsp Crushed Red Pepper

There are a number of different kinds of pickles, some of which are prepared in slightly different ways. These are refrigerator pickles, which means that their brine has vinegar added, and they do their magic in the fridge. As opposed to pickles that are straight-up fermented in a salt brine with natural bacteria, which requires a couple weeks, some specialized equipment, and a higher tolerance for gross. All in all, refrigerator pickles seemed to be the way to go to ease my way into the pickling world, so that I can inevitably betray and conquer it. What was the point I was trying to make before I fell down the endless hole of exposition that is this paragraph? Oh yeah! There are lots of different pickles, and if you want to experiment with your own flavors, go for it. For instance, I made a batch alongside this one that had fresh jalapeño and ground ginger in it. This recipe is a good starting place, but get creative. The sky's the limit! Literally. Don't make pickles in space (I'm looking at you, Hungarian astronauts).

The first thing you're gonna need to do is put your Water, Vinegar, and Salt together in a pot, and boil them. Yes, your kitchen will smell like vinegar for an hour or so. That's kind of unavoidable. The good news is your kitchen won't smell like whatever it currently smells like, so for once you won't feel the crippling shame of being a secret food-hoarder. Anyhow, once your brine is made, turn off the heat, and get choppity chopping. Peel and slice your Garlic, and cut your Cucumbers into spears, which is pickle for quarters. Is this because the original pickles were used as weapons by a tribe of prehistoric proto-chefs who were very quickly wiped out by the tribe next door? Yes. That's exactly the reason.

Protip: if you don't want your hands to smell like pickles all
day, refrain from artfully arranging your pickles in the jar.

Now it's time to fret about what the hell you're going to store your pickles in. If you're a badass like me, you can wash and reuse some pickle jars from your last late-night pickle shopping adventure (Because nothing says "badass" like fiscal responsibility). Failing that, get a big bowl. If even that it too much for you, get a drinking glass. And if you can't manage that, give up on pickles for now. You've got bigger problems to work on. Regardless of what sadness-level your chosen pickle vessel is, now is the time to fill it with crap. Unless you're using multiple jars. In which case it's time to fill them with crap. So shove in your Dill, Cucumbers/mystery vegetation, Garlic, Peppercorns, Mustard Seeds, and Celery Seeds. If you want to be fancy, you can delicately layer these ingredients. Or you can haphazardly throw them in without giving a damn. You know, like a man. Regardless of how effeminate your pickle stacking is, cover all that nonsense with your brine. Wait for it to cool down to room temperature, tap it a couple of times to get the air bubbles out, and you've got pickles! Eventually! Cover them, and shove them in the fridge for at least 48 hours. Personally, I'd say a week is even better, but 48 hours is your minimum. Your patience will be rewarded. Probably.