April 12, 2016

Spinach and Artichoke Dip

If your artichokes aren't heirlooms, you're basically just a
garbage person. Gandhi said that.
So you've decided to finally start eating healthy, and are totally stoked to see how you can make things like spinach and artichokes actually taste like people food! You fool! Yes, some things are better for you than other things. But sometimes, in order to make those healthy things even a little bit palatable, you need to load them up with a bunch of unhealthy things, which kind of kills the point vis-a-vis nutrition. And some things are just awful no matter what you do to them (I'm looking at you, Kale) So congratulations, you're doomed! Well, maybe you're not doomed. But if you're looking for a way to make all those foods you avoid taste awesome without adding in any calories, look elsewhere. Because while this recipe is full of tastiness, it's also very full cheese, cream, and fat. Which is one of the main reasons why, you know, it tastes good. So if that's a deal-breaker for you, so long, and good luck learning how to choke down your daily kale-and-flaxseed breakfast smoothie. I'll be over here, not hating life.


Fresh Spinach (Way more spinach than you think you'll need. Like 5 cups of spinach
1 can/jar/12-14 oz. containment vessel of Artichoke Hearts
8 oz. Cream Cheese
4 oz. Sour Cream
1 standard-issue Onion
2 cloves of Garlic
The juice of 1/2 a Lemon
1 dash of Hot Sauce 
2 TBSP Olive Oil
An unspecified amount of Salt 

The first thing you're gonna need to do is get over the fact that you think you have too much spinach. We get it. You think you have way too much spinach. You're wrong, so learn to deal with it. Finely dice up your onion into itty-bitty onion bits and sauté it, along with an average human's pinch of salt, in your oil over medium heat for about 5 minutes. Roughly chop your spinach and throw it in with the onions and another average human pinch of salt. Yes, it pretty much overflows out of the pan because there's so much spinach. No, you still don't have too much spinach. Let your spinach cook down with your onions for another 5 minutes or so, stirring occasionally. Rinse and drain your artichoke hearts that were brutally ripped from the beating chests of young sacrificial artichokes. Choppity chop those suckers, along with your garlic, into tiny bits. Turn your head back to your pan and freak out that you don't have enough spinach. Try to appreciate the irony of the situation, and rest-assured that you have enough spinach. Add in your garlic and artichokes, and sauté for another 2 minutes.

Make sure to have a girl named LeAnn suggest that you put
it in a bread bowl. Otherwise it's not authentic. 
Now comes the fun part, and by "fun" I mean "fattening." Splorp your cream cheese down on top of that hot mess of vegetables and stir the whole thing into a nice sludge-like consistency. Make sure to listen for the cries of anguish from passing-by health nuts and vegans. These will make you, and your dip, stronger. Add in your lemon juice, sour cream, and hot sauce, and stir to combine. Taste it and adjust the salt to your liking. But plan ahead. If you're gonna be dipping salty things into it, you want the dip itself to be a little under-salted. And vice-versa. Of course, it doesn't really matter since you stopped reading after the word "taste" because you haven't been able to stop tasting, and you've probably dropped your phone, laptop, microfiche, or whatever it is you're reading this blog on in your efforts to get at that goodness faster. Because while it may not be healthy, this stuff tastes goooood. Healthy food is overrated anyway. The much more important bit is whether your food sounds healthy so that you can lord over your friends how healthy your life-choices are. And Spinach Artichoke Dip fits the bill, despite being about 50% cream cheese. You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much, from the bottom of my hardened arteries. This sounds fabulous!