July 21, 2015

Pineapple Daiquiri

This week in self-discovery: I learned I'm a Pineapple Serial
Killer. I stalked them, cut off their heads, and hollowed them
out. I'm more than a little disturbed by this. Oh well. 
You know, I really thought we were done with this. I thought that the sun and I had decided that, while we weren't ever gonna be friends, at least we could work together. He'd keep his distance, and I'd stop ruining his favorite movies for him. But all of that is over. Not only is that jerk back in my face this week, he brought his dick friend humidity along to the party. Well, I'm done playing nice. (If Indiana Jones hadn't existed in Raiders of the Lost Ark, not only would the result still have been a room of nazis getting their faces melted, but one of those melted nazis would likely have been Hitler. Deal with it.) This recipe will keep you from feeling the effects of that gas-ball, possibly through refreshment. Possibly through a whole lot of alcohol consumption. I've heard it both ways. But the point is..well, I guess that was the point.


1 standard-issue Pineapple
1/4 cup Pineapple Juice
1/4 cup Coconut Rum
1/4 cup White Rum
2 TBSP Triple Sec
The juice from 2 Limes
2 TBSP fresh Mint Leaves
1 tsp Sugar
So much ice

The first thing you're gonna need to do is re-evaluate your life choices. You could have gone on that Antarctic expedition and married that penguin like your mother wanted. But nooooo. You had to live around other people, in an above-freezing climate. And now you have to deal with the consequences. Once that sinks in and you finish weeping, take a grade-A thwacking knife, and decapitate your Pineapple. Then, using a combination of knives, spoons, and voodoo witchcraft, hollow out the inside of the pineapple, leaving about a 1/4 inch of fruit around the skin to act as a barrier. Or don't. But don't come crying to me when you're drinking out of a dumb boring glass instead of a badass pineapple corpse. 

A huge thanks to Sarah from Ralph's on Pico for randomly
giving me festive umbrellas to stick in my Pineapple.
Take your removed Pineapple, and separate the tasty tasty fruit from the gross and hard core (The process looks something like this). Take the fruit, and muddle the hell out of it along with your Sugar and Mint. Don't remember what muddling is? Google it. Or read what I said the last time I talked about it. Then find a container that has a lid. Maybe a mason jar, or an old milk jug that you cleaned out for totally not-creepy purposes. Fill said lidded receptacle with ice. Like, entirely. Then add in the rest of your ingredients. Clamp the lid down on your container and shake the living hell out of it. Pour your muddled mixture into the nearest handy hollowed out pineapple corpse, add your booze/juice mixture right on top of it, and enjoy! For those of you wondering why this Daiquiri recipe isn't an alcoholic slushy, it's because that's not what a Daiquiri is. That's right, Dave and Buster's lied to you.

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