February 12, 2017

Poison Apples

Artist's depiction: my emotional reaction to
my recent experience in Indiana
So, I almost died this week. Not in the teenage girl “I will just DIE if Tiffany wears the same dress as me” sort of way. More in the “truck forcing me off of the highway at 60 MPH in the middle of Indiana” way. This has brought up a lot of strong emotions, not the least of which is the very strong urge to ensure that whenever I finally do die, I do it somewhere better than Indiana. Seriously, Indiana is the worst. Their slogan is “The Crossroads of America.” Even their slogan knows you don't want to stop in Indiana, and that you're just passing through on the way to somewhere better. That said, I am grateful to the Indiana-based tow truck driver who drove me 150 miles at 6 AM. It was a long and emotionally taxing day. When I got home, I just wanted to sit down with an easy and tasty drink, and poison my insides until they matched how I felt.


Hard Apple Cider

The first thing you're gonna need to do is practically drown yourself in a sea of pathos, so that your posting ANOTHER drink recipe will be forgiven, or at the very least excused. I already did that with my delightful first paragraph that talked about how I almost died in a state whose main claim to fame is being the place where Joe Jackson beat his kids for not singing on key. But that's my thing, so you'll need to find your own. Once you're done establishing your cred in the pity and sorrow communities, fill up a cup with some ice. Ice is key. Without ice, all you have is some gunk you mixed together. With ice, you've got a cocktail!
Look at Jager and Cider. Just chillin' out, maxin', relaxin'
all cool. Lousy punks. 

Take about 6 oz. of your cider and pour it over the ice, making sure to remind everybody that another ingredient is coming soon, and you're not just some cider-drinking wuss (despite overwhelming evidence that, left to your own devices, you would totally love to be a cider-drinking wuss. Don't worry, this will taste good too). Add in 1 oz. of your Jagermeister, and then settle in for some hard life choices. If you want to go all decorative, leave it as is. It'll look like cider with darkness oozing down into it. Which sounds awesome, but when you first drink it the only thing you'll taste is the Jager. Or, you can lightly stir it, with a spoon or a small decorative frond or what-have-you. It'll just look like ominous dark liquid, but it'll taste awesome. OR, you could strain out your ice and pour it into shot glasses. It doesn't matter what anything looks or tastes like if it's in a shot glass. The only thing people care about is that there's a slightly-less-than-toxic amount of alcohol in there. Whatever method you've chosen to display your poison immediately prior to imbibing it is fine with me. Enjoy, and celebrate being alive! And, more importantly, not being in Indiana. See you next week, unless random emissaries from a random place succeed in their apparent quest to kill me!

No comments:

Post a Comment