Peppermint Schnapps

If a friend ever tells you these things go
together, punch them in the throat.

A couple of years ago, a friend suggested that I crush a whole bunch of candy canes with my mortar and pestle, and dissolve them in vodka. I, on occasion, am a fool, and so I agreed. After countless hours of playing a weirdly literal version of Candy Crush, I was rewarded with a drink that was pink, strong, and kind of toothpasty. I was also rewarded with a numb feeling in my arm. And with some possibly permanent globs of crushed candy embedded in my mortar and pestle, in my counter, and in my hair. But still, it gave me a starting point from which to form something awesome. Something sweet. Something that could cause friends to worry that I was becoming an alcoholic.

Ingredients:

2 cups Sugar

1.5 cups Water

2 tsp Peppermint Extract

Most of 1 bottle Vodka (cheap stuff)

Optional extras to make life less crappy:

1 empty bottle

1 Funnel

Love, Food, and Shelter 

The first step to this recipe is to make a "simple syrup." Chances are, if you look at any recipe for any cocktail that's more involved than booze and juice (or Coke. Or whatever. Shut up.) it's got simple syrup in it. And, despite the fact that it's got simple in the name, which says to my brain that it'll be super annoying to make, it's not hard. Just take your water, boil it, add in your sugar, turn the fire off, and stir until it's all dissolved. If you've got particularly fire-resistant sugar, stir it over low heat until it finally gives in and dissolves away. And that's it! Simple syrup! Which is pretty much the only part of this recipe that a hypothetical trained monkey named Drunky Kong wouldn't be able to do. I'm betting he'd have trouble with the burners.

See, vodka is clear. So I added a candy cane to
give you some visual stimulation. But vodka
is corrosive. So the candy cane is...bleeding? 

Now, unless you like your alcohol to have no alcohol in it, like a communist, you're gonna want to let your simple syrup cool completely before doing anything else with it. Because alcohol evaporates at a low temperature and yadda yadda gypsy curses, and just do it. Once it's cool, have your trained monkey combine the rest of the ingredients. Add in the vodka slowly, and taste it until it's to your liking. Stir it all together, bottle it if you swing that way, and then keep it in the freezer for at least 12 hours. Though beware: if you used very little vodka, this stuff WILL actually freeze. So if you're kind of an alcohol wuss (by which I mean, a complete alcohol wuss), keep it in the fridge. 

Now just sit back and wait for a suitable occasion, such as a holiday, a birthday, or a Monday. Then crack open your homemade schnapps, and listen to your friends rave about how good it is while at the same time silently judging you with their eyes!