Butterscotch Oatmeal Bars

Butterscotch and Oatmeal: a tale of seduction

Sometimes, as upstanding members of society, it's our historical duty to bake something awesome using oatmeal. Because without that bloody string of battles on the Oatmeal Plains, the Quakers would never have gained their independence (citation needed). Even if not for that absolutely true historical imperative, oatmeal gets a bad rap, especially when it comes to baked goods. Which is pretty crazy, considering how awesome oatmeal is, especially in baked goods. Yes, I get it. You love chocolate chip cookies, reached for what you thought was on when you were 5, and was sad to find out it was an oatmeal raisin cookie. Because you were 5, and had already had more raisins than you could possibly want. And now, in your PTSD addled mind, all oatmeal is that one cookie that hurt you all those years ago. But no matter how much deliciousness you deny yourself, and no matter how much innocent oatmeal you destroy with your vendetta, it will never be enough. So maybe man up, get over it, and make some deliciousness.

Ingredients:

1.5 Cups Oatmeal
1.5 Cups Flour
1 Cup Butter (That's 2 sticks of Butter, which is much easier for everybody. Or at least everybody in the US. But all the fancy recipes measure Butter in cups, so now we all have to google how much Butter we're supposed to be using, like suckers. Thanks Obama.)
3/4 Cup Sugar
3/4 Cup Brown Sugar
2X 11 oz. package of Butterscotch Chips
1.5 tsp Baking Powder
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Salt
2 standard issue Eggs

The first thing you're gonna need to do is let your Butter sit on the counter until it's pretty much room temperature. You're gonna convince yourself that if you just do all the other parts of the recipe first, the butter will be warmed up. This is a trap that your brain is setting because it thinks it's funny to watch you suffer. Brains can be jerks. The point is, it's gonna take a long while for that Butter to do its thing. So take a nap or paint a fence or something. Then whisk together your Oatmeal, Flour, Baking Powder, Baking Soda, and Salt in a bowl. Then take a separate bowl, and dunk in your Sugar, Brown Sugar, and Butter. Mix them together violently so that the sugar crystals rip through the fat of the butter, and air pockets form in the desiccated buttery remains. A process called "creaming." Mix your eggs, one at a time, into your creamed butter mixture, along with one of your bags of Butterscotch Chips. Now it's time to end the segregation in your community and bring everybody together into one bowl. But take your time. Don't rush things, or it'll never take. Dump about 1/3 of your Oatmeal mixture into your Butter mixture, combine, and then repeat until it's all in there. By the end it's gonna be pretty thick. You may have to get your delicate hands dirty from physical labor. If you're not used to it, you can find some awesome advice here.

Yes, the recipe makes more than this. But after you sit down
and write a recipe, this might be all you have left.

Lube up a pan (a 9x13 pan works well, or a couple 8x8 pans. You're welcome), and press your clumpy oatmeal dough into it. Spread it out, and make sure your get as close to an even layer as you have the energy for. Leave some room on top because this thing will rise a bit while it's cooking. Take your remaining back of Butterscotch Chips, and sprinkle them on top evenly. I said evenly. Don't bother trying to spell out something with them, it won't work. Bake that nonsense at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes, or until it's all browned on top, and smells ridiculous. Fight the urge to grab at the pans with your bare hands and shove that burning hot goodness down your gullet. Fight it harder. Seriously, I know it looks and smells awesome, but let it cool first. Your patience will be rewar-- you already ate it, didn't you?