March 31, 2015

Tuna Salad

A picture of Solid White Albacore chilling with all his friends.
Not Pictured: Chunk Light alone listening to Justin Bieber.
Tuna Salad. It's one of those things we tend to associate either with greasy restaurants or bad catering. But it has its place on our collective plates and, if you make it well enough, in our stomachs. It also keeps well in the fridge, and is an awesome food to have while drunk. That might actually be because of its versatility. Whatever you have lying around, be it crackers, bread, or corrugated cardboard, haphazardly smear some kickass Tuna Salad on it, and it'll be one of the best 3 AM meals of your life.


1 10 oz can Tuna Fish (spring for the solid white albacore. Sure, you can get "chunk light" tuna for less money, but sometimes it's nice to have your food taste like people food, and not cat food.)
1/3 cup Mayonnaise 
2 ribs of Celery
1/2 a Red Onion
1/2 a Lemon
1 TBSP fresh Parsley
1 tsp dried Dill
1/4 tsp Black Pepper

The first thing you need to do is open your can of tuna. Now, traditionally people would do this with a sharp rock or a knife, often resulting in hilarious injury. Nowadays, we do this with shoddy can openers made of cheap metal and even cheaper plastic, often resulting in hilarious injury (seriously, though...the can opener wasn't invented until almost 50 years after canning became a thing. If, like me, you've ever tried to open a can without a can opener, you're probably wondering how canning managed to stay a thing for those almost 50 years. Literally nobody knows). Once the can is open, press the lid down gently, and flip the can upside-down to drain out the concentrated fish juice. It's preferable to do this over a sink, or failing that, somebody you don't like. Then plop your Tuna into a bowl and crush it with a fork until it submits to your will, breaking up into small chunks. 

Once the Tuna is physically and emotionally crushed, take your Celery and Red Onion, and dice the crap out of them. You don't need to go crazy with it, but you don't want any large pieces. Add them in with your crushed Tuna bits. Then mince your parsley fine. How fine? Finer than you want to. Keep chopping until the bits of it are small enough that you can't even really tell what it is. Then add these in with your vegetables and Tuna. 

Homemade tuna bagels? Best mandatory 6AM
staff meeting EVER!
Next take your Mayo, Dill, and Black Peopper, add them to the party, and stir to combine. Squeeze in the lemon juice, being careful to avoid getting the seeds in your food. Then shamefacedly pick the seeds out of your food. Stir once more, and you're kind of done! What you have will taste pretty damn good. But, if you cover the bowl and stick it in the fridge for a couple hours, it'll taste even better. Regardless of whether you eat it immediately - sacrificing taste for instant gratification - or not, there's very little this stuff won't taste awesome with. Make a sandwich, out it on a crack, or just eat it plain. It's all good. I guess what I'm trying to say're welcome.

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