March 10, 2015

Chipotle Squash Soup

Remember the plan. Wait for a kid to walk by, and then
Have you ever wanted to feel so much flavor in your mouth at the same time that your taste buds needed to go to rehab? But they couldn't, because they're attached to you, like suckers? So you had to go EAT a rehab center? Again? This soup might be able to help with that. It's a little bit sweet, a little bit spicy, a little bit savory, and a helluva lot of awesome. It also sounds fantastic, so it's the perfect soup to impress people with the first time you cook for them. Unless they have boring tastes, in which case screw them. They were probably lame anyways.


2 whole Butternut Squash
4 average sized Chipotle Peppers (remove the seeds or don't, depending on how spicy you like your everythings. Leaving the seeds in makes it spicier, for reasons. Capsaicin reasons)
4 Cups Vegetable Stock
2 Onions
2 cloves Garlic
3 TBSP Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 TBSP Brown Sugar
1 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon
1/2 tsp Ground Cumin

The first thing to do is to cut each of your squash in half, lengthwise. This sounds straightforward. For most people it probably is. But it turns out that Butternut Squash have it in for me in a super murderous way. Pretty much every time I cook with them, I get mildly injured in some odd catastrophe. So even simple tasks like this become a giant pile of over-exaggerated micro-steps to keep me from horribly injuring myself and tragically dying in a kitchen before my time, just like that old Gypsy woman said. Anyhow, once your squash are cut, rub them with 1 TBSP of your Olive Oil, half of your Salt, and all of your Pepper. Place them on a baking sheet, and cook them in a 375 degree oven for 45 minutes, or until you can stick a fork in it without feeling resistance. For those of you keeping track, this is another point in this process where the squash may try to kill me. Fortunately, I've learned to outsmart it. Hopefully.

Once your squash is done, and its murderous intent is hopefully cooked out, set it aside to cool. While that's going down, get a pot, and then chop and sauté your onions in the remainder of your Olive Oil and Salt. After 5 minutes, add in your squash (Pro-tip: for a tastier, smoother, and all-around less awful soup, peel the damn things before you add them in). Continue cooking another 2 minutes, and then add in you Chipotles and your Garlic, all chopped up. Cook down another minute or so, when the garlic starts to smell super awesome. Which is what garlic does. Then add in your Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, and Cumin, and cook for another 30 seconds or so. It'll start to smell awesome. Or, more awesome. Or whatever. That's your overly ambiguous cue to add in your Vegetable Stock.

Not pictured: my many wounds, both physical and emotional
You can, if you're lazy, crazy, or stressed for time, use Vegetable Stock from a box. Or, you can make your own. You know, like a man. Whichever way you decide to go, for which I totally will not judge you (Probably. I'll try, at least. I'm already judging you), once you add your Vegetable Stock in, bring the whole mix up to a boil, then cover it and reduce the heat down to low. Let it cook for 1/2 an hour, and then turn the heat off. And there you have it! Kind of! Maybe, but not really. Your soup will taste awesome at this point, but to really give it the will of the warrior, you're gonna need to blend it. You can do this by letting it cool, pouring it in small batches into a blender, and then carefully moving your finished batches to a separate container. But that sounds pretty awful, and takes forever, so I take an immersion blender (Also known as a whirry electric stick with knives at the end of it), dunk it inside the soup, and just go to town on it. Whichever blending method you choose, be it my way or stupid, it'll leave you with some awesome soup that your neighbors will be jealous of. But they can't have any. They know what they did.