Mycenaean Greek Salad

Greece: birthplace of western culture, philosophy, and the
alarm clock, apparently? Life is weird.

Greek salad is interesting. To start with, it's nothing at all like Caesar salad, which just feels kind of wrong. Sure, the Roman and Greek empires were distinct entities, but they share enough commonality that most people blur their culture and deities into each other anyway. But apparently the Romans got super stingy with the salad ingredients. No wonder Caesar got stabbed. Anyhow, authentic Greek salad is noteworthy in that it contains no lettuce, large chunks of cucumber and feta cheese, and usually just some simple olive oil. This isn't authentic Greek salad. Partially because I don't like raw tomatoes enough to base a dish around them, partially because I already had lettuce, and partially because I like a balance of spiciness in my food. So, long story short, this a faux Greek salad. It's got most of the hallmarks of legit Greekness, but it's slightly off, and not really what comes to mind when we envision Greece. Which is why I'm calling it Mycenaean Greek Salad. You're welcome history nerds.

Ingredients:

1 head Romaine Lettuce

1 Cucumber

1 medium sized Tomato

1/2 a Red Onion

6 oz. Feta Cheese

1/2 lb. Kalamata Olives

3 Stuffed Grape Leaves

6 Pickled Hot Peppers (pepperoncini, banana peppers, pickled jalapeno. Whatever floats your capsaicin boat)

1/4 cup Olive Oil

2 TBSP Red Wine Vinegar

2 TBSP Lemon Juice

1 tsp Dried Oregano

1 TBSP Capers

1 clove Garlic

Salt

Yes, that's a lot of ingredients for your food. But fake Greek salads don't make themselves, so step one is to pick yourself up off of the ground, stop hyperventilating, and remember that this is a salad recipe and you don't have to actually cook anything. Step two is chop everything. Start by chopping your lettuce, tomato, and cucumber into large chunks and tossing them in to a bowl. Then finely dice your onion and toss it in there along with your capers. You're already like 50% done with the effort involved in this recipe, so maybe take a second or two now to reflect on how overwhelmed you let an ingredient list make you and maybe sign up for some yoga classes or something. Choppity chop chop your garlic into tiny bits, and then throw it in a bowl with your oil, vinegar, lemon juice, oregano, and an average sized-human's pinch of salt. Stir that nonsense together until it forms a homogeneous gloop. 

Yadda yadda history pun

Pour your dressing (or gloop, if you're being scientific) on top of your lettuce mixture and stir that all together. How much of your dressing? Some people like more dressing. Some like less. I'm not here to teach you deep personal truths about yourself, so you'll need to figure this one out on your own. Once you're done, crumble your feta on top of the salad and toss your olives on top. Then slice your grape leaves in half and, using the soul of an artist, alternate back and forth between grape leaves and hot peppers on top of your salad in a big circle around the edges. All the great artists made circles out of grape leaves. I promise. So you probably should too, unless you don't want to stand out and have your greatness recognized. You know, like a Phoenician (you're welcome again history nerds). And that's all there is to it! And who cares that some food snobs will undoubtedly point out that this isn't an authentic Greek salad? You've got delicious salad. What do they have? Probably typhoid.