June 7, 2016

Broccoli Cheese Casserole

Oh, broccoli, cover up your shame. 
Broccoli is delicious. That's a simple fact. The problem is, that broccoli is also healthy. People go out of their way to tell you this. You'll just be out enjoying some broccoli at a meal, on a stroll in the park, or while taking in a spot of opium, and somebody will come at you running their mouths about antioxidants and vitamins and supplements. It's pretty much a nightmare from which the only escape is cutting off your own arm with a rusty knife. Clearly a solution was needed. So by cleverly adding butter, cream, and cheese, I've turned it into something that the roving bands of health nuts won't start an uncomfortable conversation with you about while you're in line at the bank. Sure, we could give up broccoli and just eat other things. But I vaguely remember saying like a minute ago that it's delicious. And besides, everybody knows that impulse control is for foppish dandies, suckers and communists.


20 oz. Broccoli (Usually I like working with fresh ingredients because they ususally taste better and have better texture, but in an application like this you could probably get away with using the frozen stuff and get pretty good results.)
1 cup Sour Cream
1 Standard-Issue Onion
2 cloves Garlic
1/2 cup Seasoned Breadcrumbs
3 TBSP Butter
8 oz. Cheddar Cheese
3 oz. Parmesan Cheese 
3 Eggs

If you're using fresh broccoli, you're gonna start slightly differently than if you're using the frozen stuff. If you're using fresh broccoli you're gonna need to cut it up and boil/steam it. (Don't worry, you can totally learn how to do that in this old post of mine! Now you can read even more. Hasn't today just been the best?) If you're using the frozen broccoli, forget to let it defrost before making this recipe, and then hastily defrost it in the microwave while you're (SPOILER ALERT) chopping and sautéing your onion. Next, you're gonna slice up your onion, melt your butter over some medium heat, and sauté that sucker for 5 minutes along with an average-sized human pinch of salt. During this time, chop your garlic into tiny little pieces of its former self. Once the onions are soft and have started to pick up a little color, add in your broccoli and garlic, along with another, smaller pinch of salt. Like the pinch that a child, or a dog that mutated a thumb might have. Cook that nonsense for about 2 minutes, until all your flavors start to meld, and it smells like happiness. Turn the heat off, and let that mess cool down to room temperature.

Here lies broccoli, killed by deliciousness. As we eat his tasty
corpse, let us think of the good times. He'd want it that way.
Now it's time for the fun part, and by "fun" I mean "fattening." Which is usually pretty fun. So it all works out. The point is, take your eggs, breadcrumbs, sour cream, and cheddar cheese, and add them in to your broccoli mix, to form a cheesy broccoli goop. Or "ooze", if you want to be scientific. Spread that gunk out into a pan, and form an even layer. Top it of with your parmesan cheese, and then shove that sucker in a 350 degree oven for 25 minutes. Then turn the heat up to 400 degrees and cook it for another 10 minutes to make sure you burn away all of the healthiness, leaving a bubbly layer of deliciousness. Wait for it to cool slightly before shoving your face in the entire pan and gobbling the goodness down. If you're a fancyboy or a communist (This link just leads right back here, because that was a callback to the first paragraph of THIS post. Enjoy). The rest of you, enjoy your pretty serious burns all up in your face and throat. Totally worth it.

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