December 2, 2014

Split Pea Soup

Wait a wouldn't cook the
blender. No, this isn't adding up at all.
Everybody should know how to make at least one soup. That soup is Split Pea Soup. It's awesome, and has the added benefit of being the easiest soup I know how to make. When I get sick, I make a giant pot of this, and just let it sit on low heat. Then, when I wander zombie-like from my bed after having been woken up by Symptoms, I stagger over to my giant pot of hot soup, have a bowl, feel slightly better, and stagger back to bed. I repeat this until I'm either no longer sick, or dead.


1 lb dried Green Split Peas
1 lb Carrots
2 tsp Onion Powder
1 tsp Garlic Powder
1 tsp Black Pepper
1 tsp Cumin
2 TBSP Salt
2 tsp Toasted Sesame Oil
An unspecified amount of water
Split Pea emotional state:
Cautiously optimistic
A fun kitchen gadget

The first thing you need to understand about split peas, is that they're romantics at heart. Each and every one of them is just looking for true love, and when they find it, they latch on and never let go. And what split peas love more than anything else is dirt. Your job is to crush the hopes and dreams of every last split pea by vigorously rinsing them approximately 3000 times, until you finally remove all of their cherished dirt. Their cries of anguish just mean you're doing a good job.

Split Pea emotional state:
Drinking warm Pepsi straight from
the bottle in it's parents' basement
Once your split peas are clean and sad, put them in a large pot, and cover them with about 4 inches of water. Add your carrots, salt, and all of your spices, and then bring it to a boil. For those of you keeping score at home, at this point we've robbed the poor split peas of their true loves, drowned them, and then boiled them. So we're scoring pretty high on the vegetative serial killer list. If you're a vegetarian who's in it more for a hatred of vegetables than a love of animals, this soup may satisfy something primal in you.
Bowl added to prevent staining my table

Once your soup is boiling, cover that sucker and turn the heat down to low. Let it cook at a simmer for an hour. Once it's done, let it cool for about 1/2 an hour, and then get yourself an Immersion Blender. This is an increasingly common household kitchen gadget which, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, is essentially an electronic stick with sharp whirring knives at the end of it. Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds. Stick it into your soup, and choppity chop away until it's smooth and awesome. Add in the toasted sesame oil, and then enjoy! (Note: for best experience, take out the whirry knife-stick before eating)


  1. I didn't have your recipe when I was at the store, and I accidentally bought yellow split peas instead of green! Will it taste gross with yellow?

    1. Hah! Yeah, that's. Happened to me once or twice before. The yellow split peas have a slightly different taste and texture. Add about 1/2 an hour to the cook time. It won't taste exactly the same, but it should still be pretty good.