May 22, 2018

Eggplant Parmesan

This is an unrelated picture of an
awesome cave I visited last week. Enjoy.
There's a strange pleasure in taking something that's inherently healthy and making it, at the same time, both delicious and decidedly unhealthy. And sure, eggplants aren't that healthy, modern health fads aside. They've got a fair number of nutrients and whatnot in them, but not in any significant amounts. Also, left to their own devices they have the texture and flavor of styrofoam, which isn't commonly associated with either health or deliciousness. But eggplant parmesan is tasty and unhealthy enough to totally bridge those gaps.


2 Standard Issue Eggplants
4 Standard Issue Eggs
1 lb shredded Mozzarella Cheese
1.5 cups Grated Parmesan Cheese
3 Cups Seasoned Breadcrumbs
2 Cups Flour
2 tsp Smoked Paprika
1 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Black Pepper
Tomato Sauce (you can use whatever good reasonably hearty tomato sauce you like. I happen to have a pretty awesome recipe right here, but then again I'm more prepared than you.)

The first thing you're gonna need to do is deal with the fact that eggplants are super weird. I actually wasn't kidding before about them pretty much being made up of styrofoam. When you cut it, it's going to squeak like you're cutting through the industrial-strength packing supplies that are still holding your new TV hostage inside of its box. Don't get discouraged by how obviously unappetizing your eggplant is. That's to be expected. That's what we're here to fix. So chop the ends off of your eggplant, and then slice it lengthwise. Exact size doesn't matter, but shoot for each slice to be between 1/8 and 1/4 of an inch thick. Now it's time to get prepped. Find or steal 3 large bowls. Take one and fill it up with your flour, salt, pepper, and paprika, and mix them all together. Take another and fill it with your eggs, which you've taken the time to beat lightly in to submission. Fill your third bowl up with your breadcrumbs, and get ready to get gunk on your hands. Working on small batches, toss your eggplant slices in your flour mix, then in to your eggs, and finally in your breadcrumbs, before laying your finished slices on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Throw those suckers in to a 350 degree oven for about 20 minutes, or until the eggplant gets tender and the breadcrumbs turn golden and look delicious.

Now with zero recognizable eggplant bits!
Now it's time to build something great.  Line a baking dish with a layer of your eggplant slices. (You may have noticed that this recipe requires a lot of extras. Bowls, baking sheets, baking dishes, etc. You may accuse me of having betrayed my principles and having made recipes for the borgeouise. Aside from the fact that you can buy versions of everything required for like $2, I'm a fairly certain that I never claimed to have any principles, so shut it) Slather your layer of eggplant with tomato sauce, and sprinkle on some mozzarella. Repeat until you're out of eggplant. Take your parmesan and gently pour it all over the top of that mess, like a caring mother bird, tenderly pouring parmesan cheese on its young. Unlike all but the most callous of mother birds, however, now you're gonna throw that in to a 375 degree oven for about 35 more minutes, or until the top gets bubbly and brown and you pretty much can't stand the thought of waiting any longer to eat it. Wait to eat it until it cools down. Unless you're a fan of mouth, hand, and face burns. Either way, it's no skin off my nose (because I waited until my food cooled down to eat it). Now guzzle it down and lie to yourself about how healthy you're being by eating eggplant. Enjoy!

No comments:

Post a Comment