January 30, 2018

Quinoa salad

Yes, this is typically how we experience healthy food. This
time will be different
Last week I decided to actually splurge and buy meat as a reward to myself for not dying or punching somebody during a period of insane overwork. Fortunately that overwork has been done with for almost a week, which I've spent celebrating my freedom. A week or so of celebration will take it out of you though, and you get to thinking that it might be a good idea to take it easy, release any hostages you may-or-may-not have taken, and put something healthy-ish in your body. Sure, quinoa may sound scary, and it may take an inordinate amount of effort to make it not taste like rain gutters, but if you put in that effort you can totally lord how healthy you're being over your friends and neighbors.

1 Cup of Water
1 Cup of Quinoa
1 Yellow Pepper
1 Carrot
1/2 a Red Onion
1/4 Cup Dried Cranberries
4 tsp Olive Oil
1 TBSP Balsamic Vinegar
1 TBSP Raspberry Preserves
1/8 tsp Black Pepper

The first thing you're going to need to do is wash off your quinoa. Leading food-science experts agree that this will appease the tiny demons living in your food and ensure that your quinoa is flavorful and fluffy. Then toss it in your water along with 1 tsp of olive oil, one average-sized human's pinch of salt, and your black pepper. Bring that whole mess up to a boil, then cover it and reduce the heat down to low for about 12 minutes, or until the liquid is all absorbed. And yes, this is exactly the same way I'd make white rice because, at the risk of asserting my moral superiority over you, I don't see quinoa's differences. I just treat it like everybody else. Anyhow, while your quinoa is cooking, it's time for you to get a-chopping. Chop up your pepper and red onion into reasonably bite-sized chunks, and go ahead and peel your carrot before you shred it to smithereens. Which of course means that it's time to re-introduce our favorite kitchen gadget that hasn't yet succeeded in killing us (Only maimings so far!), the box grater! Fortunately for those of us in favor of keeping our blood on our insides, I've managed to outsmart the grater this time. If you've got the financial capital, buy yourself two carrots instead of one. Then just shred half of each one, keeping your hands and delicious blood out of reach of the grater. And sure, this may cause an unfortunate amount of food waste, but that's the price of holding on to your blood. Also, you could just eat the extra carrot hunks.

I can feel my mouth watering and my liver healing itself
just by looking at that.
Take a bowl and mix together the rest of your oil, your vinegar, and your raspberry preserves, along with another average pinch of salt. Then get ready for some mildly unsettling noises, because it's time to splorp everything together into one large bowl. So combine your veg, dried cranberries, dressing, and quinoa, and stir until the whole deal looks homogenous. You can technically consume this immediately (Well, I mean technically you could have eaten it without cooking the quinoa. It wouldn't have been a good idea, but you still could have done it), but it will taste even better if you let it sit covered in the fridge for an hour. In any event, it'll taste delicious, be slightly healthier than the diet of pizza and whiskey you may have been living on lately, and will maybe keep you alive for a week or so longer so you can enjoy more pizza and whiskey. Hypothetically. Happy quinoa!

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