March 22, 2016


I didn't have a "before picture," so here. Enjoy this awesome
surplus castle picture from my trip to Ireland. You're welcome
Legend has it that the Frittata was invented in the days of yore by esteemed chef and and disgraced mime William H. Frittata. The story tells that he desperately wanted a delicious food he could carry with him and eat on the go, so he ordered a pizza. But he was cheap, and refused to tip the delivery guy, who got pissed, took the pizza for himself, and stole all of Frittata's flour so he couldn't make some himself. He told anybody who'd listen it was the "salting the earth of Carthage" of pizza delivery. Not many people listened, and those who did regretted it. The moral of the story is, don't stiff the delivery guy, or your pizza might be made out of eggs.


4 standard issue Eggs
8 oz. Italian Sausage
5 oz. Crimini Mushrooms
1 Bell Pepper
1/2 an Onion (It's often hard to find half an onion. But if you track one down you're in luck, because they usually travel in pairs)
1 TBSP Olive Oil
An unspecified amount of Salt
An unspecified amount of Black Pepper
A skillet you can stick in the oven. (Yes, technically you can stick any skillet in the oven, but you want one you can stick in the oven, while the oven is on, without any damage to your health or security deposit
Optional extras! Maybe! If you feel like it!

If, like me, you have access to fancy and wonderful kitchen equipment as a fringe benefit of your menial existence of perpetual unemployment, you're in luck! Or, at least, you're in luck in this one specific regard! Just slap a ring mold on a flat-top, fill it up with oil, sausage, and veggies, season it, add in the beaten eggs, wait for it to set, remove the mold, flip that sucker, and you're done! For the "rest of the people out there," with their "gainful, and often even fulfilling employment," we're gonna have to make do with the pots, pans, and stovetops that god gave us. So the first thing you're gonna need to do is chop your onions, peppers, mushrooms, and sausage into bits. Don't go all crazy with it. Large recognizable chunks are fine. Think "pizza toppings," not "hide the evidence." Heat up your oil in a smallish skillet and toss all that nonsense in there along with an average-sized human's pinch of salt and pepper. Saute` it over medium heat for about 5 minutes. During that 5 minutes, beat your eggs mercilessly, like the cruel egg-overlord you lie about being on your resume. Add a very small human's pinch of salt in with your eggs right before your drop them in the pan. By the way, spoiler alert, you're gonna drop the eggs in the pan.

Just think: none of this would be possible without some guy
randomly trying to eat that thing that popped out of a chicken 
Drop the eggs in the pan. They should kind of fill in the crevasses between all of your bits of veggie and sausage. Now comes the tricky part, because eggs have this fun tendency to overcook. And thanks to the stupid laws of stupid thermodynamics, they're technically still cooking once you take them off the fire. Because they're jerks. So when your eggs are starting to set up around the sides, but are still runny in the middle, throw the pan under your oven's broiler. Let it go for about a minute, just to crisp up on top. Take it out of the oven, and say a prayer to any god or sports team that you didn't keep it in there too long. Dump that sucker out on to a plate, and enjoy your awesome weird cross between a pizza and an omelet. Optional extras/substitutions include milk added into the eggs, all sorts of cheeses added on top, and pretty much any vegetable you can chop up into bits. Which is all of them. Because vegetables suck at avoiding knives.

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