January 19, 2016

Baked Zucchini Fries

Is it just me, or do the Zucchini kind of look like they know
what's in store for them? Maybe I've been at this too long.
Ever since the dawn of civilization, when man first began to harness nature and shape the world around him, we've wondered what the hell to do with zucchini. Because they're everywhere. And they grow fast. Not patronizing aunt when you were a kid, "oh, you've gotten so big since I last saw you" fast. Zombie outbreak fast. So for tens of thousands of years we were stuck sitting in giant fields of roaming zucchini, trying to shove them under cheese, put them in soups, anything to thin the herd. Then, one fateful day, a solution was discovered. A way to make zucchini appetizing and stem their rampant growth. The word was spread, zucchini fries totally became a thing, and we never looked back.


4 Zucchini
4 Eggs
2 Cups Seasoned Bread Crumbs (You can either buy the pre-seasoned ones from the store, or add Salt, Pepper, Oregano, and breadcrumbs together yourself)
1 Cup Grated Parmesan cheese
1 Cup Flour
3 TBSP Ketchup
2 TBSP Mayonnaise
1/2 tsp Balsamic Vinegar

1/4 tsp Hot Sauce
1 Average Human Sized Pinch of Salt
Cooking Spray

The first thing you're gonna need to do is get organized. Seriously. Because this is one of those recipes where you're gonna dunk chunks of something into lots of different gunk, and you don't wanna go out like a punk. So dunk your Flour and Salt in one bowl. Lightly beat your eggs until they know who's boss, and toss them in another bowl. Then mix together your cheese and Bread Crumbs in a 3rd bowl. This won't really help much, despite what cooking shows tell you, but the fact that you're so organized will make you feel better. Like you at least tried your best. Which will be comforting when your hand is covered in an inch-thick coating of eggs and breadcrumb gunk all the way up to your wrist, and you can't really pick up the zucchini any more because it just keeps slipping off of your nonsense-coated hand, and your phone rings, and it's an important call, but you don't actually have the manual dexterity to answer the phone while your hands are this messed up. But more on that later.

Zucchini Fries! Technically they're baked. But they're
definitely awesome. Like Mitch Hedberg
Cut your Zucchini into roughly french fry shaped chunks. It's really all a matter of preference. If you like bigger fries, cut them bigger. If you like thinner fries, cut them thinner. It's not that complicated. Use your Cooking Spray to grease up 2 baking sheets.  In small batches, toss your Zucchini bits in the flour. Then in the eggs. Then in the Cheese and Bread Crumb mix. And then lay them on your pans. After half a Zucchini you'll have given up all hope of not making a huge mess. After 2 Zucchini you'll have given up all hope of a brighter tomorrow. Once you're done (allow approx. 15 minutes of work time, interspersed with 3 hours of sobbing and frantically trying to feel clean again), throw those suckers in a 425 degree oven for about 20 minutes. A little longer if your "fries" are thicker, a little shorter if they're super thin (Isn't logic fun?). While they're cooking, combing your Ketchup, Mayo, Balsamic Vinegar, and Hot Sauce to make an awesome dipping sauce. When they're done, eat the crap out of them. Bonus points if you manage to convince yourself that it's totally ok to eat an entire batch of them on your own because they're Zucchini, and they're not actually fried. I'm sure that'll totally work out for you in the long run.

1 comment:

  1. Those sound fantastic! A little dangerous, but fantastic nonetheless :)