August 11, 2015

Lemon Sorbet

"Lemon" is ancient Etruscan for "unsuspecting victim." 
I don't know if you've been paying attention, but it's summer out there. And the best part about summer is frozen desserts. Well, no. The best part about summer is day-drinking on the beach without an ounce of shame. But close after that, is frozen desserts. The problem is, that every dumb recipe under the sun involves an ice-cream maker. Which is expensive, takes up space, and is a uni-tasker. And maybe I'm crazy, but I think that when they first started making sorbet, gelato, and ice cream, thousands of years ago, they didn't go shopping at Williams goddamn Sonoma first. So, in the words of my ancestors, "screw that noise."


2 cups Water
2 cups Sugar
6 Lemons
1 average sized hunk of Ginger
1/3 cup fresh Mint
1 average human-sized pinch of Salt

This recipe is actually pretty simple. Which isn't the same thing as easy, but it's still something. Don't look gift simplicity in the mouth. FDR said that, and it's as true now as it was then. Now the first thing you're gonna need to do is zest the crap out of 3 of your lemons. Make sure that you only get the yellow lemon peel, and not the white pith underneath it. Because the pith is bitter and depressing, whereas the peel/zest is flavorful, awesome, and...not bitter. Peel your ginger, and throw it into a pot along with the zest from your Lemons, your Water, Sugar, Mint, and Salt. Bring it to a boil over medium heat, stirring until the sugar is fully dissolved. For those of you paying attention, yes this is a simple syrup, similar to the ones we've used almost every single time we make a drink. It's found a new dessert-y purpose! Anyway, once your sugar is dissolved, let the syrup cool all the way down to room temperature, and strain it. Bonus points if you strain it by hand when it's still hot, securing your masculinity the old-fashioned way, via untreated burns.

Isn't all that hard work worth it? ISN'T IT!? It probably is.
Once your syrup is strained and cooled, add in the juice from all 6 of your Lemons, and throw it in the freezer. And then your job is done. Hah! Just kidding! Wouldn't it be weird if life was easy, and things weren't always a struggle? Take your mix out of the freezer every 25 minutes or so, and whisk the hell out of it. This will break up larger ice crystals that are forming, leave you with a much smoother product, and expunge evil humors from your hands, via centrifugal force (Note: once the evil humors have left your body, consult your local phrenologist to see how this has affected your character)  After a couple of hours, the mixture will start to solidify, giving you false hope that you're almost done. It does this to mess with you because it's a jerk. After a couple MORE hours, it will thicken further, and you can start convincing yourself that it's good enough. Or, alternatively, you could just ignore this part entirely, and end up with a big giant block of sweet lemon ice. Which isn't the same thing, but is still awesome. If you ARE going to take the lazy way out, be smart, and freeze it in ice cube trays so you've got bite-sized awesomeness. Bonus points if you thought ahead and stuck toothpicks in them so you have tiny little popsicles. And finally, negative points for having forgotten all of this, and ended up with an untenable mess of solid ice in the bottom of a bowl, ruining little Timmy's birthday party along with your chances of reconciling with your wife. Happy summer!

No comments:

Post a Comment