May 19, 2015

Baked Salami

Not pictured: Honey and Hot Sauce. They know what they did
It's time to get realistic for a minute. Just a minute, and then I'll be back to my normal unrealistic self. Not everybody has the time or inclination to make some fancy bourgeoise recipe every time they cook. Maybe you don't care that much about food, maybe you're super rich and have a personal chef, or maybe you're just lazy, and live in your parents' basement. Whatever the reason, there will still come a time when you'll want to be able to make somebody some awesome food. A girlfriend you hope to turn into something more, your friend who watched Food Network WAY too much, your parole officer. SOMEBODY. And this is a super simple recipe that'll help you impress those people and stuff them full of deliciousness, without the hassle of learning valuable life skills.


1 lb Dry Beef Salami
1/3 cup Dijon Mustard
1/4 cup Dark Brown Sugar
1.5 TBSP Balsamic Vinegar
1/2 tsp Honey
An unspecified amount of Hot Sauce (You're looking for a good basic heat here. Nothing too fancy, like you kids are into these days, with your sriracha's or what have you. I wanna say.....whippersnappers?)

The first step is to return the pre-sliced, grocery-store, hyphenate-adjective-inducing Salami that you probably bought, and get something better. Because the Salami is the heart and soul of this dish. Also because good salami is an incredible thing and you should find it, get it, and love it. Once you find a salami worthy of your love, you're ready to get started. 

As promised, this recipe is pretty damned simple. Put your Brown Sugar into a bowl, pour you Balsamic Vinegar over it and stir. This will cause the sugar to melt like a roomful of nazis who just saw the ark of the covenant. Hah! Gross. Still hungry? Let's keep going anyway. The meltiness is a good thing. Melty sugar is able to mix much more easily with the other ingredients. Speaking of the other ingredients, now is a good time to take your Mustard, Honey, and a dash of Hot Sauce (how much is a "dash?" A very small amount. How small? Think about how spicy you like things, and figure it out), and splorp them down on top of your vinegar-sugar mixture. Seriously. All of them. Just mix it all together until it's all one homogenous goop. 

Technically, you don't HAVE to smear a little sauce on each
slice. Far be it from me to call you a fool
Take your Salami, and slather it in the goop. Throw it in a pan, and pour any extra sauce you've got lying around all up ons it. If you want to be extra fancy, score it with a knife so it'll crisp up all pretty and make your hypothetical parole officer swoon. Throw that sucker (the salami, not the parole officer) in a 350 degree oven, and cook it for an hour. When you take it out of the oven, try not to be blinded by the sheer awesome you created. Close your eyes if you have to. When you eventually recover from the burns you suffered getting it out of the oven with your eyes closed, slice it, serve it, and enjoy!

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