February 24, 2015

Onion Dip

Aww...it's like the onion is a boxer, and the lemons are
his gloves. Or, possibly, I've gone quite mad.
Welcome to the home of every friend who's ever invited you over to watch a sporting event. There's about 1000 things all designed to be dipped in other things. The only problem is that your friends are lazy, and their onion dip consists of combining sour cream with powdered onion soup mix. Also, you just remembered that it's February and your hockey team isn't playing, so you have to watch weird off-brand sports like golf, rugby, or colonialism. Fortunately, this is a problem that's super fixable! By making your own damn onion dip, and bringing it over unannounced, unasked, and - depending on your popularity level - uninvited. What are they gonna do, turn down free food?


3 normal-sized Onions
1 Clove of Garlic
1 Cup of Sour Cream
1 Cup of Mayonnaise
1 Lemon
1 TBSP Olive Oil 
An unspecified amount of salt

The first thing that you're gonna need to do is chop your Onions down in to little pieces. I prefer a fine dice, because I don't like large chunks of onion in my dips, galavanting about and causing a ruckus, but you're free to cut your onions as large as you want. I'm sure that changing this carefully written recipe to suit your personal preferences won't in any way end in disaster. Once your onions are chopped and you're blind from their horrible curse, heat up your oil in a skillet over medium-low heat. Add in your onions along with one large pinch of salt, and sauté them, stirring occasionally, until they're a deep brown color (allow approximately 1 lifetime). Mince the crap out of your Garlic, throw it in with the onions, and sauté for another 2 minutes. Turn the heat off, and wait patiently for your onion/garlic mixture to cool down to room temperature.
Pro-tip: Curse loudly at the onions to
scare them into cooking faster.

Now it's time for the gross part, and by "gross," I mean "blech." Take your Sour Cream and Mayonnaise and splorp (Splorp /spuh-LOHrp/: to roughly fling in a nauseating manner. Especially for a semi-gelatinous substance) them down right on top of your onions, and stir to combine everything together. It's gonna look gross. It's gonna feel gross. Get over it. Now get your lemon, speak some kind words to it, eviscerate it, and squeeze its lemony corpse until its juice spills out. Make sure while doing this to strain out any seeds that want to come along with the juice. Pick out the seeds you failed to strain, and stir the juice into your dip. This will add some brightness, and will help to make your dip less overpoweringly rich. If you like your dip richer, feel free to add less lemon juice, or skip this step entirely. Again, I'm sure that your hubris will in no way lead you down a destructive path from which there is no return. Taste your dip, and add in salt as needed, keeping in mind that most of the things you actually dip INTO it are going to have salt of their own.
Ugly, but somehow awesome. Like a culinary Jack White

Cover your dip, and let it sit in the fridge for at least an hour to let all of the flavor-melding hoodoo go down. And that's it! You've got some kind of gross looking, but incredibly awesome tasting, onion dip! Unless you went rogue, in which case kid, you've got some moxy! You also probably have a sad pile of gross glop and a lot of former friends. But you win some, and you lose some. Just to be clear, you lost this one. But it'll be ok. You can make new friends, and try try again.

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