February 23, 2017

Salmon Patties

The best salmon has a mermaid on it. Remember that, as
you're lured to your watery demise.  
They say when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. Unless you're allergic to citrus, in which case when life gives you lemons you swell up and die. The point is, we all have to make do with some unfortunate circumstances. For some of us, that may be an embarrassing medical condition, or a weird laugh, or maybe having to stay at work until after midnight because other people screwed up, and the people who should be saddled with responsibility dumped it on you, even though they sure as crap aren't going to pay you any more for doing their stupid jobs for them. You know, hypothetically. The point is, when you get home from your day of being embarrassed, laughing weirdly, or being stuck doing somebody else's job for them, you want to just sit down and do nothing. But you're stir crazy because your brain is working out ways to untraceably burn down your stupid workplace. So you need something to occupy your time and mouth. Something easy, delicious, and made from ingredients that are close at hand. Bonus points if it's something you grew up eating, so it soothes your soul and keeps your dumb workplace unburnt for another day.


10 oz. Canned Salmon (You can totally get those cans of salmon with the skin and bone bits still in it so you need to do extra gross work. Or you can, you know....not.)
1/2 a Standard-issue Onion
1/3 Cup Seasoned Bread Crumbs
2 Eggs
1/2 tsp Dijon Mustard
1/4 tsp Black Pepper
1 average-sized human's pinch of Salt

The first thing you're gonna need to do is somehow will yourself off of your couch and into your kitchen. Allow 20-30 minutes for the standard hemming and hawing about whether you're actually hungry (even though you haven't eaten all day), and whether it's a better idea to just go to Dunkin' Donuts (it isn't). Once you're in the kitchen, drain your salmon and melodramatically throw it in a bowl, even though you're home alone and nobody can see you. Take a grade-3 mashing fork, and mash it into bits. Next, choppity chop your onion down to size, and then throw it in the bowl along with your bread crumbs, eggs, pepper, mustard, and salt. Stir that nonsense together until you've got a relatively homogenous salmon-goop, which makes you really start to question whether you were actually hungry after all. Take a pan and melt some butter in it over medium heat.

Sure, you could use some garlic mayo, or ketchup, or...a
fork. Or you could just gobble them down without
pausing to chew. You know, like a duck.
Now comes the fun part, and by "fun" I mean "gross." Dig your hands into your salmon goop, and form patties, roughly 2 inches in diameter. For those of you who didn't bring your protractors with you to the kitchen today, the patties should be about the same size as the palm of your hand. Take the goop discs you lovingly crafted, and throw them into the pan of hot butter. Cook them on each side for 2-4 minutes, until they're good and brown. Be careful when you're flipping them, otherwise you won't end up with salmon patties so much as you'll have salmon garbage. Once they're done, go collapse in a heap with your prize, and pray for a better tomorrow. Bonus points if you remembered to turn off the stove!

February 12, 2017

Poison Apples

Artist's depiction: my emotional reaction to
my recent experience in Indiana
So, I almost died this week. Not in the teenage girl “I will just DIE if Tiffany wears the same dress as me” sort of way. More in the “truck forcing me off of the highway at 60 MPH in the middle of Indiana” way. This has brought up a lot of strong emotions, not the least of which is the very strong urge to ensure that whenever I finally do die, I do it somewhere better than Indiana. Seriously, Indiana is the worst. Their slogan is “The Crossroads of America.” Even their slogan knows you don't want to stop in Indiana, and that you're just passing through on the way to somewhere better. That said, I am grateful to the Indiana-based tow truck driver who drove me 150 miles at 6 AM. It was a long and emotionally taxing day. When I got home, I just wanted to sit down with an easy and tasty drink, and poison my insides until they matched how I felt.


Hard Apple Cider

The first thing you're gonna need to do is practically drown yourself in a sea of pathos, so that your posting ANOTHER drink recipe will be forgiven, or at the very least excused. I already did that with my delightful first paragraph that talked about how I almost died in a state whose main claim to fame is being the place where Joe Jackson beat his kids for not singing on key. But that's my thing, so you'll need to find your own. Once you're done establishing your cred in the pity and sorrow communities, fill up a cup with some ice. Ice is key. Without ice, all you have is some gunk you mixed together. With ice, you've got a cocktail!
Look at Jager and Cider. Just chillin' out, maxin', relaxin'
all cool. Lousy punks. 

Take about 6 oz. of your cider and pour it over the ice, making sure to remind everybody that another ingredient is coming soon, and you're not just some cider-drinking wuss (despite overwhelming evidence that, left to your own devices, you would totally love to be a cider-drinking wuss. Don't worry, this will taste good too). Add in 1 oz. of your Jagermeister, and then settle in for some hard life choices. If you want to go all decorative, leave it as is. It'll look like cider with darkness oozing down into it. Which sounds awesome, but when you first drink it the only thing you'll taste is the Jager. Or, you can lightly stir it, with a spoon or a small decorative frond or what-have-you. It'll just look like ominous dark liquid, but it'll taste awesome. OR, you could strain out your ice and pour it into shot glasses. It doesn't matter what anything looks or tastes like if it's in a shot glass. The only thing people care about is that there's a slightly-less-than-toxic amount of alcohol in there. Whatever method you've chosen to display your poison immediately prior to imbibing it is fine with me. Enjoy, and celebrate being alive! And, more importantly, not being in Indiana. See you next week, unless random emissaries from a random place succeed in their apparent quest to kill me!

February 3, 2017

Gin Gingerale

So, we’re about 2 weeks into this new presidency and, as expected, everybody is annoying me. There's crazy people on the one side who ardently defend even the most obvious mistakes that the Trump administration makes. They're easy to spot. They're usually saying things like “no, Trump meant to say that the cheap oompa-loompa labor force of the candy industry is a threat to the American worker. He just understands more about these things than us.” Then you have the crazies on the other side for whom no act Donald Trump has done since being sworn in, including scratching his ears, is tantamount to a war crime, and a blatant violation of the constitutional rights of disenfranchised earwax. The point is, everybody needs to shut it. And I need a drink. And I don't have the energy to mess with a bunch of ingredients. Fortunately, I know an awesome 2 ingredient drink that's delicious, and will keep me from caring so much about everybody’s nonsense. Oh! And the Super Bowl. You can also drink it during the Super Bowl. 


2 oz. Gin (Any reasonably good quality version will work. Just don't use something like “uncle Pete’s discount jug ‘o gin,” and you should be fine.)
10 oz. Ginger Ale (Samesies)

The first thing you're gonna need to do is drink a preparation beer, so that you can drown out the voices of everybody yelling at each other long enough to make this drink. Then take literally any large cup, and fill it up with ice. If you're all fancy, put your gin and ginger ale in a separate cup, stir them together with a spoon, and then pour the mixture into your icy cup. If you're often lazy, like me, choose instead to pour about half of your ginger ale over your ice, then add in your gin, and then haphazardly dump the rest of your ginger ale on top of it. Regardless of which method you choose, be it the fancy way or the right way, make sure not to share with your annoying friends who are clogging up your Facebook feed with politics. Repeat as necessary until relaxation ensues, and you end up actually watching the Super Bowl instead of getting in arguments with people. Of course, then you'll be faced with the uncomfortable task of actually watching a Super Bowl between the Falcons and the Patriots. Fortunately, you have a drink.