August 4, 2015

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Cookies

This recipe is pretty much just melted brown sugar. Enjoy!
This past week, Blogger, and their parent company Skynet, sent me a dire warning about how they were going to use cookies to determine the age, gender, level of education, and celebrity crush of everybody who views my blog. They then told me that if I didn't confirm that there was an automatic warning appearing to users from the EU I could be in violation of various Laws, and be subject to EU justice. Which I'm assuming is being forced to use the Euro. So, in honor of all of the cookies that are even now burrowing their way into your privacy, I thought I'd make some delicious cookies that are less morally ambiguous. Cookies you can use even after you've given up on the Internet, and are living off of the land in a dumpster somewhere.

Ingredients:

2 Cups All-Purpose Flour (Yes, the type of flour is important. No I don't want to get in to why. Go bug Alton Brown)
1.5 Cups Dark Brown Sugar
1/2 Cup Coconut Oil
2 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 tsp Ground Cinnamon
1 tsp Corn Starch
1 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Salt 1 Egg
An Unspecified Amount of potentially Fancy Sugar (If you can get Pearl Sugar or Sanding Sugar go for it. It will be awesome. Second choice option is Turbinado. Failing that, because fancy crap is hard to find, use regular old sugar. Which is what I did. Because fancy nonsense is hard to find sometimes.)

The first thing you're gonna need to do is get some bowls. I know, class wars have started before over the ownership of multiple bowls, but suck it up. Because you're gonna need seperate bowls for your dry goods and your wet goods. At least at first.. So put your pitchforks and beets away, and find some damn bowls. Done? Awesome. Now whisk together your Flour, Cinnamon, Corn Starch, Salt, and Baking Soda in one of your elitist bowls. Take your second bowl, and fill it with your Brown Sugar and your Coconut Oil, and whisk until they're smooth. How smooth? This smooth. Then add in your Egg, and Vanilla, and combine it all into one homogenous glop (Homogenous Glop: The worst grunge band ever). Take your glop and pour it into your bowl of dryness, and stir to combine. You can stir with a spatula if you want. I prefer using my hands, partially because I'm a child, and partially because it lets me mix a little more efficiently. Which means I mix for a shorter period of time. Which means less gluten forms. Which means that the cookies will have a better texture. Which means you should have listened to me in the first place, 4 "which means" ago. Once your dough is formed, cover your bowl and refrigerate it for at least 1/2 an hour.
Objects in picture are even more delicious than they appear

When you're ready to bake your cookies (Which should hopefully be sometime soon, since your looking at a cookie recipe), take the dough out of the fridge. If you've let it sit there for more than a couple hours, you might have to let it warm up before you can work with it. Grease a cookie sheet, and form your dough into balls, about 1 inch in diameter. If you don't have your protractor with you, give it your best guess. Take your Sugar, and pour it in a bowl. Then take your dough balls, and plop each one in your sugar bowl to coat it with sugar. Place your balls on your baking sheet, being careful to give each one a LOT of personal space. When these things cook they are going to seriously spread out, so unless you want one giant cookie, give them some breathing room. Actually, that doesn't sound bad...well regardless. Throw the cookies in a 325 degree oven for about 15 minutes. They'll still be a little soft and gooey when you take them out of the oven, but they'll toughen up as they cool down. And that's it! Cookies! Delicious delicious cookies, that I am in no way encouraging you to make while camped outside of the Google corporate offices picketing their efforts to learn everything about everyone in a totally not creepy way.


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